Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone (or Happy whatever it is you celebrate!!!).  I hope you all have a blessed holiday with friends and family.

I am choosing to try to have hope this holiday season that 2011 will treat us all better in so many ways.

Allison

Re-draw

Well since Jan never responded I have re-drawn for my give-away!

Mrs. A  you are the new winner - shoot me an e-mail to iamamommy at att dot net and i will get the code to you ASAP!

Prayers needed

Our friends and neighbors are expecting triplets (2 girls and a boy).  She's had a very uneventful pregnancy and was able to work until her school let out for Christmas break last Friday, and on Saturday was 29 weeks, and all 3 babies are measuring over 2.5 lbs.

She was experiencing some cramping earlier today so went to get checked out, she was dilated 1 cm.  They have given the first round of steriod shots.

Last I heard she is dilated to 4 cm and they are life flighting her to the hosptial downtown so she can deliver at Texas Children's.

They are hoping to keep them in a couple of more days, or at least long enough to administer the 2nd dose of steriods.

Please pray for Natalie, Kris and their 3 precious little ones.

totally not where i was going, but.....

I can go minutes, hours, days, even a few weeks....but then it hits me like a ton of fucking bricks..

i have been wondering why i just didnt feel right this week (well really the last couple of weeks).  i have no interest in doing things i enjoy - reading, shopping, spending time with my husband...

i cant sleep at night - i cant tell you when the last time i have gotten to bed before midnight was (and i NEED sleep, i dont function well on little sleep) i am having a hard time concentrating.  while these feelings are no where near the level they were the last 2 months of 2009, im afraid of it getting worse.  i take my anti.depressant everyday like a good girl - maybe i need to up the dose.

but i feel like all i am doing is trying to put a bandage on my broken heart.  i have been putting it off and denying that anythings wrong but i dont think i can much longer.  i think i need to just give up and find another counselor - the last one was really nice but i didnt feel like i ever got anything from our seesions.

im going to confess something that those of you who know me in real life may not want to read.  i think that this is part of why i feel lost and depressed right now.  i not only feel like a failure in my efforts to get pregnant and then get a child here safely, but i never want to have sex with my husband anymore.

i love him with all my heart and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and i feel like i am letting him down in everyway.

it's not that i dont want to, i still want him, im still attracted to him and yes he's a butt sometimes but he still turns me on.... but i freeze up when it comes to the actual love making part.  i just cant bring myself to do it.  we have had sex a total of 2 times this year 2 and its fucking december y'all.  i want to, then i feel guilty when i cant and the times we have i dont enjoy it.  part of it is probably that we had sex about 8 weeks after we lost cady and it hurt, physically painful and i know thats to be expected after all i had just given birth for god's sake (even if it was at 20 weeks i still birthed our daughter) but ever since then, i dont know why.  i hate feeling like this, like i said i feel like a big fat failure in everyway when it comes to being a wife and giving my husband a family.

i know he loves me and he understands but i want to give him that part of me back - hell I WANT THAT PART OF ME BACK 

so how do i get it back............

wow so thats so not where i thought this post was going, but it goes hand in hand.  my depression is getting worse so thats not helping with the intimate part of my relationship.  we aren't going home for christmas so thats not helping me right now either - it will be the first christmas ever that i havent spent with my family.

again like i said i think i need to find another counselor but i have to find the time.....

Giveaway Winner!

So using Random.org i picked the winner..

So Comment # 10 is Jan with this comment

Jan said...


Well I wouldn't normally say this but I WANT TO WIN!!! Never been really lucky at winning anything but I will give it a try.
Hope you have a Great Day!!


Jan e-mail me at iamamommy@att.net and I will send you the code!

Congrats Jan!!

Giveaway Reminder

Don't forget to enter my Giveaway

It's open through tomorrow night and I will try to pick a winner on Tuesday the 7th!

Good Luck!