i have been wondering why i just didnt feel right this week (well really the last couple of weeks). i have no interest in doing things i enjoy - reading, shopping, spending time with my husband...
i cant sleep at night - i cant tell you when the last time i have gotten to bed before midnight was (and i NEED sleep, i dont function well on little sleep) i am having a hard time concentrating. while these feelings are no where near the level they were the last 2 months of 2009, im afraid of it getting worse. i take my anti.depressant everyday like a good girl - maybe i need to up the dose.
but i feel like all i am doing is trying to put a bandage on my broken heart. i have been putting it off and denying that anythings wrong but i dont think i can much longer. i think i need to just give up and find another counselor - the last one was really nice but i didnt feel like i ever got anything from our seesions.
im going to confess something that those of you who know me in real life may not want to read. i think that this is part of why i feel lost and depressed right now. i not only feel like a failure in my efforts to get pregnant and then get a child here safely, but i never want to have sex with my husband anymore.
i love him with all my heart and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and i feel like i am letting him down in everyway.
it's not that i dont want to, i still want him, im still attracted to him and yes he's a butt sometimes but he still turns me on.... but i freeze up when it comes to the actual love making part. i just cant bring myself to do it. we have had sex a total of 2 times this year 2 and its fucking december y'all. i want to, then i feel guilty when i cant and the times we have i dont enjoy it. part of it is probably that we had sex about 8 weeks after we lost cady and it hurt, physically painful and i know thats to be expected after all i had just given birth for god's sake (even if it was at 20 weeks i still birthed our daughter) but ever since then, i dont know why. i hate feeling like this, like i said i feel like a big fat failure in everyway when it comes to being a wife and giving my husband a family.
i know he loves me and he understands but i want to give him that part of me back - hell I WANT THAT PART OF ME BACK
so how do i get it back............
wow so thats so not where i thought this post was going, but it goes hand in hand. my depression is getting worse so thats not helping with the intimate part of my relationship. we aren't going home for christmas so thats not helping me right now either - it will be the first christmas ever that i havent spent with my family.
again like i said i think i need to find another counselor but i have to find the time.....
9 comments:
Oh, Ali. It does sound like you need some (more) help. . . . maybe a different counselor, maybe a higher dose or a different medication? Trouble sleeping, loss of interest in sex, trouble concentrating and the like are all classic symptoms of depression, as I know you know.
I haven't been through a fraction of what you have, and even I have noticed my sexual desire has diminished significantly since dealing with infertility and all the negative emotions (and physical side effects) that come with it. It's unfortunate, but I think somewhat inevitable.
I hope you are able to get some help and feel better soon. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.
I am so sorry for your broken heart. You know I would love to heal it for you. ((HUGS)) I do think that a new doctor might be in order and some counseling about the sex issues. I am no doctor but because of where you have been I can see why sex would be an issue.
I'm not sure how to say this but I think that sex means baby, baby means sadness and the pain is so deep from that. You can't just have beautiful sex because you want it and want to please your husband. Sex for you is about getting pregnant and wanting a baby and that is fear. I don't know if I made any sense at all.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh honey, I am so sorry. You are both going through quite a lot. I have no advice to give, but we are here to listen and we are all praying for you. {hugs}
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. You certainly can't help it so don't let the guilt build up, at all!
I would certainly talk to your doctor about uping the dose of your anti-depressant or maybe changing to an new one. I don't know which one you're on but I have heard that zoloft makes your sex drive next to nothing. I know my sister came off zoloft for that reason and went to Cymbalta and is doing much better in that area.
Praying for you and sending you huge ((hugs))
Oh, Ali. My heart is breaking for you. I feel very much the same way about the sex thing. I've just been going through the motions. I don't enjoy it but I fake it because my husband is really sensitive about rejection and just won't understand that it is not about him. I totally get this feeling. I hate my body now. It betrayed me by killing my baby after making it so hard to conceive. It's monstrously unfair that we have to live in a shell that we hate. I wish I could give you a magic cure. I really hope you do make time for more/better counseling, but mostly I wanted to say I understand and you're not alone. Nor are you a terrible wife. I really, really hope it gets better.
I am sending to much love to you.
keeping you near my heart and in prayer...
Sorry you've been feeling so low. Maybe a new counselor would help. It's worth a shot. And you're not alone in not wanting to have sex. I feel bad for my hubby b/c I don't really have much interest in it but mostly do it out of obligation to him. I know I should really try harder.
This really hit home for me. I lost my daughter, Claire, in October and I've been terrified to try having sex with my husband again. I'm worried about the pain that I know is likely and the fact that my body feels like it still should belong to Claire and not anyone else. I know that I'm being selfish but its hard to be as considerate as I should be while I struggle with the grief. I can truly understand how difficult it is, our bodies are never the same and neither are we.
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