Monday, November 30, 2009
my weekend
Thanksgiving was, hmm ok and horrible all at the same time. I went to Memaw's on thursday and got to see my uncle and his 4 daughters (whom I havent seen in years because I never go there on actual thanksgiving day anymore) so that was ok. Then went back to C's parents house (thats where he spent the day) and my SIL and her kiddos were still there, which I wanted to see them, but at the same time I was afraid to see them.
I was playing with my niece and she came and sat in my lap and we had the following coversation:
G: "Do you have a baby?" "Do you have a baby in your belly?"
Me: "No I don't have a baby in my belly, but I have a baby in heaven."
G: "Why's the baby in heaven?"
Me: "Because she was born too soon."
G: With a really sad look on her face "It was a girl?"
Me: "Yes"
G: "Why was she born too soon?"
Me: "I don't know, I ask myself that almost every day."
G: "Are you going to have more babies?"
Me: "Yes someday"
G: "Are you going to have a boy or girl?"
Me: "I don't know, I would take either one."
G: "I hope it's a girl, but you know you don't always get what you want"
Me: "So you would want a girl cousin?"
G: "Yes"
And well how do you react to that, a 6 year old who was told she was going to have a cousin then that she wasnt she just wants to understand and it broke my heart even more than it is already broken. It was all I could do not to cry right then and there.
Saturday was thanksgiving with my mammy. before we said the blessing pappy decided that we should all go around and say 2 things that we were thankful for. REALLY, REALLY of all the years before you have never done this, never, why would you pick this year to make us do this. i am not thankful, well I am for some things, but not enough to talk about it. when they got to me all i could do was shake my head and cry, and mammy ran over and put her arms around me, then C came and stood by me and put his arm around me. his 2 things that he was thankful for were his beautiful wife (how can i not love that) and our supportive families.
pappy apologized to me afterwards, but that didnt make me feel any better. of course i put on a happy face the rest of the day, but all i wanted to do was go into our room and cry.
i am dreading christmas, and it is usually one of my favorite times of year.
I was playing with my niece and she came and sat in my lap and we had the following coversation:
G: "Do you have a baby?" "Do you have a baby in your belly?"
Me: "No I don't have a baby in my belly, but I have a baby in heaven."
G: "Why's the baby in heaven?"
Me: "Because she was born too soon."
G: With a really sad look on her face "It was a girl?"
Me: "Yes"
G: "Why was she born too soon?"
Me: "I don't know, I ask myself that almost every day."
G: "Are you going to have more babies?"
Me: "Yes someday"
G: "Are you going to have a boy or girl?"
Me: "I don't know, I would take either one."
G: "I hope it's a girl, but you know you don't always get what you want"
Me: "So you would want a girl cousin?"
G: "Yes"
And well how do you react to that, a 6 year old who was told she was going to have a cousin then that she wasnt she just wants to understand and it broke my heart even more than it is already broken. It was all I could do not to cry right then and there.
Saturday was thanksgiving with my mammy. before we said the blessing pappy decided that we should all go around and say 2 things that we were thankful for. REALLY, REALLY of all the years before you have never done this, never, why would you pick this year to make us do this. i am not thankful, well I am for some things, but not enough to talk about it. when they got to me all i could do was shake my head and cry, and mammy ran over and put her arms around me, then C came and stood by me and put his arm around me. his 2 things that he was thankful for were his beautiful wife (how can i not love that) and our supportive families.
pappy apologized to me afterwards, but that didnt make me feel any better. of course i put on a happy face the rest of the day, but all i wanted to do was go into our room and cry.
i am dreading christmas, and it is usually one of my favorite times of year.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Thanksgiving
Is anyone else dreading Thanksgiving as much as I am? No--just checking...
Deep breath -- so I guess that I will try to at least pretend I am Thankful in the spirit of this particular holiday.
Here we go things that I am Thankful for:
Deep breath -- so I guess that I will try to at least pretend I am Thankful in the spirit of this particular holiday.
Here we go things that I am Thankful for:
- My husband - he has taken such good care of me and been a rock during the last 6 weeks and it's made me love him even more
- My Mammy (grandmother) she is the person that I can talk to about anything at any time and I love her soo much, and she has been there for me my whole life.
- My job - I know what you are thinking "Her Job?", but yes. I am not stressed out everyday (the job before this I was working 80 hr weeks for almost 4 years and my crackberry let them get in touch with anywhere -- even vancouver when I was on vacation), I work with good people and they are family oriented so they are more understanding about things then places I have worked in the past (see previous explantion)
- Finding this blogging community. I hate knowing that there are so many babylost mama's in the world, but having the support and being able to read what you guys are saying has helped a lot.
- And I cant forget my furbabies. mollee and wylie have been able to make me laugh when not much else has in the last 6 weeks and they love me unconditionally which is always a good thing
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
2009
I don't know about the rest of you but I am ready for 2009 to be OVER!!!
It started out okay, then went to being the best year of our lives (we were pregnant yay!), then went to being the worst year of my life (when we lost Cady), plus having to deal with my brother who had a physchotic break and was diagnosed as Bi-Polar w/schizo affective disorder (which comes along with manic-ness, delusions, paranoia and much more) when he held my mom at gun-point and we had to have him involuntarily committed (Thank GOD he is on meds now and seems to be doing much much better).
I can only have hope that 2010 will be a MUCH better year for myself and all of you as well.
So here's hoping that next year brings peace and happiness for us.
It started out okay, then went to being the best year of our lives (we were pregnant yay!), then went to being the worst year of my life (when we lost Cady), plus having to deal with my brother who had a physchotic break and was diagnosed as Bi-Polar w/schizo affective disorder (which comes along with manic-ness, delusions, paranoia and much more) when he held my mom at gun-point and we had to have him involuntarily committed (Thank GOD he is on meds now and seems to be doing much much better).
I can only have hope that 2010 will be a MUCH better year for myself and all of you as well.
So here's hoping that next year brings peace and happiness for us.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Question
I have a question...We are going to a party in a couple of weeks and I know that we will get the inevitable "Do you have kids?" question.
No is not correct anymore, because I do have a daughter she's just not with me. Do I just say not yet to these people that I dont know and am meeting for the first time?
How do you guys handle the situation? On one hand I want everyone to know about her, but on the other I dont want to make complete strangers uncomfortable.
I'm flummoxed
No is not correct anymore, because I do have a daughter she's just not with me. Do I just say not yet to these people that I dont know and am meeting for the first time?
How do you guys handle the situation? On one hand I want everyone to know about her, but on the other I dont want to make complete strangers uncomfortable.
I'm flummoxed
Hmph...
If one more person tells me that I now have an angel in heaven looking out for me I may hit them. I know that they are saying it to make me feel better, but you know what it really doesn't. I want to say no it doesnt help right now to think about that because I want my daughter HERE with me, not in heaven, HERE!!!!! YOU dont know the feeling you dont know what I am thinking and what I am feeling. If you want to expresses your sympathies say your sorry and leave it at that.
Sorry I am a little bit angry today for some reason, and I think that one too many people have said this to me in the last week or so.
Sorry I am a little bit angry today for some reason, and I think that one too many people have said this to me in the last week or so.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
New Moon
So I went and saw New Moon today with a co-worker. I have to say it was really good, of course just like with any book made into a movie, there was a LOT they changed and left out. But none the less I loved it.
It made me feel a little skeezy with how hot I thought Taylor Lautner was in it considering he was only 16 when it filmed and is only 17 now. I am totally Team Edward but I also liked Jake as well and seeing Taylors performance in the movie made me like him even more.
It was nice to have a good time and not think about Cadynce the whole time, but I felt a bit guilty as well. I guess that's to be expected. I am dreading Thanksgiving a bit, since I will be seeing my neice and nephews and I think that Cady looked just like Grace, but I love them too much to not spend time with them.
The 3 day work week helps a little too I have to admit :-)
I hope everyone had a great weekend because mine was pretty good.
It made me feel a little skeezy with how hot I thought Taylor Lautner was in it considering he was only 16 when it filmed and is only 17 now. I am totally Team Edward but I also liked Jake as well and seeing Taylors performance in the movie made me like him even more.
It was nice to have a good time and not think about Cadynce the whole time, but I felt a bit guilty as well. I guess that's to be expected. I am dreading Thanksgiving a bit, since I will be seeing my neice and nephews and I think that Cady looked just like Grace, but I love them too much to not spend time with them.
The 3 day work week helps a little too I have to admit :-)
I hope everyone had a great weekend because mine was pretty good.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
My not missed friend
So the last oh about 48 hours I have been cranky and emotional and everyone was getting on my nerves and I couldnt figure out why because no one had really done anything to be annoying or make me mad :-)
Well this morning I figured out why...AF decided to come visit. Haven't seen her since April when we started the IVF process. I have to say she has not been missed. So now I am cranky, emotional and crampy.
It's days like these I don't want to be a girl anymore...
Hope y'all are having a better day than I am.
~~One thing that makes my day brighter though is I am going to see New Moon on Sunday, and yes I am one of those :-)~~
Blessings to you all
Well this morning I figured out why...AF decided to come visit. Haven't seen her since April when we started the IVF process. I have to say she has not been missed. So now I am cranky, emotional and crampy.
It's days like these I don't want to be a girl anymore...
Hope y'all are having a better day than I am.
~~One thing that makes my day brighter though is I am going to see New Moon on Sunday, and yes I am one of those :-)~~
Blessings to you all
Monday, November 16, 2009
Monday
Today is going to be a good day, Today is going to be a good day.....
Maybe if I say it enough it will be true. I had a pretty good weekend, no major bouts of crying, just a little tearing up. So yay me LOL.
Saturday should have been my first baby shower in Tyler with mine & C's families (we live in Houston and all our family is in East Texas and Dallas) so that was a bit hard, but I made it through without thinking about it too much!
Sometimes I wonder why I am handling this so well, but I know that I am handling this the only way I know how. Trying to accept the situation and move on with things. I am a pretty positive person, or at least I try to be. I have always tried to focus on the future and making things better - so thats what I have to do now.
I also have been feeling like I need a return to faith. I was raised in the church and though I haven't attended much since ohh i dont know I was 18, I have been feeling the pull to at least start reading my bible again, but I want a devotional bible. One that will help me with the reading, I have had a hard time sticking with it in the past. Does anyone have any suggestions on what kind and type to buy - I never realized how freaking many there were out there.
And wow I am a rambler -- so let me leave you with a picture of my furbabies.
Maybe if I say it enough it will be true. I had a pretty good weekend, no major bouts of crying, just a little tearing up. So yay me LOL.
Saturday should have been my first baby shower in Tyler with mine & C's families (we live in Houston and all our family is in East Texas and Dallas) so that was a bit hard, but I made it through without thinking about it too much!
Sometimes I wonder why I am handling this so well, but I know that I am handling this the only way I know how. Trying to accept the situation and move on with things. I am a pretty positive person, or at least I try to be. I have always tried to focus on the future and making things better - so thats what I have to do now.
I also have been feeling like I need a return to faith. I was raised in the church and though I haven't attended much since ohh i dont know I was 18, I have been feeling the pull to at least start reading my bible again, but I want a devotional bible. One that will help me with the reading, I have had a hard time sticking with it in the past. Does anyone have any suggestions on what kind and type to buy - I never realized how freaking many there were out there.
And wow I am a rambler -- so let me leave you with a picture of my furbabies.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Alone
C is out of town, he left this morning to go to the NASCAR races with his dad in Ft. Worth. This will be the first weekend that I am completely alone since we lost Cady. I am a little nervous about, but think that I be ok. I know that he will call me 500 times because he made it very obvious he was worried about leaving me alone all weekend, but what can you do life must go on and this is an semi-annual tradition for him to go to the races with his dad. He hasn't seen his parents since she was taken from us and I think that this will be very important to his grieving and healing, as he seems quite strong but I am not really sure he has dealt with the loss fully.
I also realized last night that when I was in the hospital after we got the news we were going to lose her in the back of my mind all I could think was "I'm not surprised, we couldn't get pregnant for 5 years, and this pregnancy has been entirely too easy, so why am I not surprised something so terrible is going to happen". Of course then I feel guilty like me thinking that made it happen cause I felt the whole time I was pregnant "This is too surreal, it's gotta be a dream things are going to smoothly"
Gotta get over that and the fact that I wonder if something I have done in my life is responsible for allowing us to lose our daughter. After all Karma is a BITCH, but I know that there is nothing, short of murdering someone that I could have done that would make my Karma that bad. So I have to move past that as well.
I also realized last night that when I was in the hospital after we got the news we were going to lose her in the back of my mind all I could think was "I'm not surprised, we couldn't get pregnant for 5 years, and this pregnancy has been entirely too easy, so why am I not surprised something so terrible is going to happen". Of course then I feel guilty like me thinking that made it happen cause I felt the whole time I was pregnant "This is too surreal, it's gotta be a dream things are going to smoothly"
Gotta get over that and the fact that I wonder if something I have done in my life is responsible for allowing us to lose our daughter. After all Karma is a BITCH, but I know that there is nothing, short of murdering someone that I could have done that would make my Karma that bad. So I have to move past that as well.
AN UGLY PAIR OF SHOES
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
question
Do you ever feel guilty for having a good day and/or not being completely devastated all day?
I am having a good day at work today and in a good mood. Dont get me wrong I will never be "OVER" Cady's loss, but today feels like a day not to dwell. I feel like she's giving me peace today.
I am having a good day at work today and in a good mood. Dont get me wrong I will never be "OVER" Cady's loss, but today feels like a day not to dwell. I feel like she's giving me peace today.
Monday, November 2, 2009
I want
I want peace in my heart and in my soul. I want love (I have love but I want more) I want to be able to hold my daughter and love her, but I cant. I can Love her but I can never again hold her, until the day that I pass onto the next life (well at least I am trying to keep that belief alive)
I want my baby. I want her here with us.
I want my baby. I want her here with us.
wow
Yeah today sucks. So how come I can't stop crying today, I've done pretty well. Had a decent weekend -- Pow Monday Tears lots of them.
I know that each day is different. I guess it's because we ordered the keepsake box for Cady's things today and all I can think about is how we'll never have more.
I know that each day is different. I guess it's because we ordered the keepsake box for Cady's things today and all I can think about is how we'll never have more.
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