I have a question...We are going to a party in a couple of weeks and I know that we will get the inevitable "Do you have kids?" question.
No is not correct anymore, because I do have a daughter she's just not with me. Do I just say not yet to these people that I dont know and am meeting for the first time?
How do you guys handle the situation? On one hand I want everyone to know about her, but on the other I dont want to make complete strangers uncomfortable.
I'm flummoxed
14 comments:
I struggled with that question at first, but now I say that I have twins in heaven. You could say you have a daughter in heaven or an angel named Cadynce. I tried a few different ways till I became comfortable with one that worked for me. xx
I usually tell people I don't have any children not because I don't want to discuss Jonathan or our other loss, but just to avoid making people feel uncomfortable, but feel out the people. You may just feel comfortable enough to talk about Cadynce. You'll make the decision either way. *hugs*
I've just taken to saying, "I have a daughter who is in Heaven." I hope the situation is comfortable for you.
I actually got this question a lot last Thursday when I was at the hospital to have my gall bladder removed. I had no symptoms other than when I was pregnant, but while they were prepping me for the surgery the nurses kept asking me about my pain during the week preceding surgery. I started by telling them that I had no pain, and they then all started to question why the doc was letting me have my gall bladder removed if I was asymptomatic. I got tired of that very quickly. So, when they continued to ask, I told them that I had only had problems during pregnancy, which of course prompted them to ask how old my little one was. Without wavering, I told each of them that she would have been 3 1/2 months, but was stillborn at 36 weeks. That stopped the conversations dead in their tracks with all but 1 nurse.
Perhaps, if you are comfortable doing so, you could tell anyone that asks that you have a daughter, but she passed away due to complications with your pregnancy. Most people won't ask much beyond that and you are not obligated to say anything else.
If you are not feeling it on the day of the party, there are always other alternatives that will help you avoid any further conversation. Wishing you a peaceful and easy holiday - as much as is can be!
I usually say none that are living and leave it at that.
Thanks so much everyone, I am so glad that I have found this outlet and am able to ask others who have been there these things. I think I will just say we have a daughter in heaven because that totally encompasses it.
Hi Allison,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I always tell people that I had a daughter in March that passed away at birth. I just cannot say, "none." It is still on the forefront of my mind and I have to share what happened. People usually respond fine to it. Do whatever feels comfortable to you. And, it takes practice figuring out what to say. I still change my wording and am working on the "best" thing to say.
@Bree - Thats exactly it I can't say none because that's not true I have a beautiful daughter who isnt with me.
That question drives me nuts. It seems like more and more strangers want to know intimate details...if I don't know your last name, you don't get to know about my boys. I've taken to politely skirting the question and turning it back on them because the fact of the matter is, they don't really care about my boys, they just want me to ask about their kids. At a Halloween party, someone asked, "do you have little ones?" I said, "Yup. How old are your children?" That launched this woman into a 45 minute monologue about little Emma. By the time she was done, she'd forgotten I'd said yes. If it backfires, I simply say with a smile, "I'm going to spare you the details since I don't know you that well but if we become closer friends, please ask me about them again. Excuse me, I need to refill my drink" and I walk away. It's not rude, it's self-preservation.
By the way, my husband says, "yes, we have twin boys who died" and that's it. He tells them and doesn't explain further. If they push for details, he says, "I'm not comfortable talking about this right now, maybe you can ask me again at a more appropriate time" and he changes the subject to anything else.
I think saying I have a daughter/son in Heaven is a good way to respond.
It does tend to make people uncomfortable but I tell them anyway. I'm not gonna deny my daughter to make them feel better.
I am not good at answering this question. I always say "yes" and then the details of all that happened come spilling out. Her birth. Her diagnosis. Her passing. My grief. It's like a stream of information that I can't stop. At the end of it, I, and they, are totally uncomfortable. I like the idea another commenter gave, "yes, but she's in Heaven." I'm going to try it.
holly I agree with you I am not going to deny my daughter just because it makes others uncomfortable. I think that if the question does arise i will be responding with yes, a daughter in heaven
Thanks so much for your feedback guys.
this is why I don't even go to parties anymore....
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