I wanted to share this with you all.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Just Blah
Hey there everyone. I haven't been around this week just because I haven't really had anything to say. I've been reading and commenting some, but I feel like I am out of words right now. I reached a point last week where it just seemed like I was saying the same thing all the time. I'm sad, I'm mad blah blah so I was bored with myself so I didn't want to make you suffer from my boredom as well. I am doing okay just so you know.
Well let's have a rundown of the last couple of weeks since I haven't really posted much.
3/12- Hysteroscopy, went well found some scar tissue, which the Dr. H removed. YAY Dr. H we love him :-). I have been on estrace for 2 weeks and started provera on Tuesday to bring on a cycle. Speaking of which does anyone know how long it typically takes to start once you take your last provera pill? He has me taking it for 5 days so I take my last one tomorrow. I admit it -- Dudes I'm impatient, I just want to get this FET show on the road. Once I start I'll do BCP's for 2 weeks I guess to suppress, suppose I'll actually know how long once I start and go in for baseline BW and US. Then FET -- Like I said IMPATIENT!!! I just want to have it done and know one way or the other. This Limbo shit sucks just FYI lol
Then last Saturday, I met and had lunch with a fellow BLM (E @ Cotton Socks). We met at Panera around 11:30. It was a sucktastic day rainy and icky, my drive there sucked! So anyway, we ate and were just sitting there talking. It rained pretty much the whole time we were there and just kept getting colder (we know this because we were close to a door and every time it opened I swear it was colder than the time before). It was really nice to be able to sit and talk about her Gabe and my Cady with someone who really understands where you are coming from and doesn't just try to say things that they THINK will make you feel better. So we were just talking and all and I was like what time is it -- IT WAS 3:55 -- we had been sitting there talking for 4 HOURS. For some folks I guess that might not be a shock, but for me it is since I can be pretty shy sometimes. It was nice getting to know her and hope we keep in touch and are able to get together again sometime.
One thing that we talked about was how our sense of humors sometimes offends people. My story was that when my boss brought her daughter up to the office for the first time it was during some peoples lunch times. Well my co-worker walked in from lunch and I said -- You missed the baby -- and she said -- What baby? -- and I said -- Well Not my baby -- She just looked at me like OMG how the hell do I respond to what this crazy person just said -- I just laughed because it was kind of like I can't believe I just said that myself. So I am a little darker than I used to be deal with it people deal with it -- my baby died I think I have a right to be dark Allison from time to time.
So the boss lady is actually only working 1/2 days a couple of days a week in the office, due to a new client and having a very short time frame to implement them. Which I think will be better for me, so I can adjust more easily. Monday I just ignored everyone and stayed in my cubicle. Tuesday I went into her office to talk to her about some things and the baby was in there and I actually did ok. I just kind of ignored her. I think once she gets past the newborn stage it will be easier on me. Thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers this week. It hasn't been as bad as I was afraid it would.
Well let's have a rundown of the last couple of weeks since I haven't really posted much.
3/12- Hysteroscopy, went well found some scar tissue, which the Dr. H removed. YAY Dr. H we love him :-). I have been on estrace for 2 weeks and started provera on Tuesday to bring on a cycle. Speaking of which does anyone know how long it typically takes to start once you take your last provera pill? He has me taking it for 5 days so I take my last one tomorrow. I admit it -- Dudes I'm impatient, I just want to get this FET show on the road. Once I start I'll do BCP's for 2 weeks I guess to suppress, suppose I'll actually know how long once I start and go in for baseline BW and US. Then FET -- Like I said IMPATIENT!!! I just want to have it done and know one way or the other. This Limbo shit sucks just FYI lol
Then last Saturday, I met and had lunch with a fellow BLM (E @ Cotton Socks). We met at Panera around 11:30. It was a sucktastic day rainy and icky, my drive there sucked! So anyway, we ate and were just sitting there talking. It rained pretty much the whole time we were there and just kept getting colder (we know this because we were close to a door and every time it opened I swear it was colder than the time before). It was really nice to be able to sit and talk about her Gabe and my Cady with someone who really understands where you are coming from and doesn't just try to say things that they THINK will make you feel better. So we were just talking and all and I was like what time is it -- IT WAS 3:55 -- we had been sitting there talking for 4 HOURS. For some folks I guess that might not be a shock, but for me it is since I can be pretty shy sometimes. It was nice getting to know her and hope we keep in touch and are able to get together again sometime.
One thing that we talked about was how our sense of humors sometimes offends people. My story was that when my boss brought her daughter up to the office for the first time it was during some peoples lunch times. Well my co-worker walked in from lunch and I said -- You missed the baby -- and she said -- What baby? -- and I said -- Well Not my baby -- She just looked at me like OMG how the hell do I respond to what this crazy person just said -- I just laughed because it was kind of like I can't believe I just said that myself. So I am a little darker than I used to be deal with it people deal with it -- my baby died I think I have a right to be dark Allison from time to time.
So the boss lady is actually only working 1/2 days a couple of days a week in the office, due to a new client and having a very short time frame to implement them. Which I think will be better for me, so I can adjust more easily. Monday I just ignored everyone and stayed in my cubicle. Tuesday I went into her office to talk to her about some things and the baby was in there and I actually did ok. I just kind of ignored her. I think once she gets past the newborn stage it will be easier on me. Thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers this week. It hasn't been as bad as I was afraid it would.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Shutting down
I've noticed something about myself in the last week or so. I guess I've really known I was doing it for a while, but it's become more obvious to others which has, of course, in turn brought it more so to my attention.
Everytime someone mentions a newborn, infant or toddler I just kind of shut down. I look down and give off a vibe of "I don't want to be in this conversation anymore".
I don't like that I am doing this, but I don't know how to stop. It hurts my heart too much when I hear people talking about their or others babies. I guess I'm probably not alone in doing this, but wish I could stop.
Next week my boss is coming back to work part-time for 4 wks, then will be back to full time. She will be bringing her BABY (you know the one born in January, the one due 5 weeks before Cadynce was due) until she is 6 months old. Can I just tell you that I am terrified of how I will handle this. I seriously had the thought yesterday that I should quit my job so I don't have to be around the baby. And I can tell you that is soooo not me.
So if I could ask for prayers for strength next week as I get used to being around a baby that is just a few weeks older than our daughter should be, well that would be awesome. I'm scared of what I will do and how I will handle it. Everyone keeps telling me that I am strong and I will make it through it, but I'm really not sure about this.
I hope that it will be better than I think it will, but we shall see.
I hope that you guys are having a good week this week.
Everytime someone mentions a newborn, infant or toddler I just kind of shut down. I look down and give off a vibe of "I don't want to be in this conversation anymore".
I don't like that I am doing this, but I don't know how to stop. It hurts my heart too much when I hear people talking about their or others babies. I guess I'm probably not alone in doing this, but wish I could stop.
Next week my boss is coming back to work part-time for 4 wks, then will be back to full time. She will be bringing her BABY (you know the one born in January, the one due 5 weeks before Cadynce was due) until she is 6 months old. Can I just tell you that I am terrified of how I will handle this. I seriously had the thought yesterday that I should quit my job so I don't have to be around the baby. And I can tell you that is soooo not me.
So if I could ask for prayers for strength next week as I get used to being around a baby that is just a few weeks older than our daughter should be, well that would be awesome. I'm scared of what I will do and how I will handle it. Everyone keeps telling me that I am strong and I will make it through it, but I'm really not sure about this.
I hope that it will be better than I think it will, but we shall see.
I hope that you guys are having a good week this week.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Marvelous Mondays - 3/15/10
Join Rachel in marvelous Monday's...
My attempt to look on the positive side of things today is that my hysteroscopy on Friday didn't find anything, other than some scar tissue, wrong with the structure of my ute. Which I expected because the last one was the same, but it's still nice to know.
And having faith that we will have a good outcome on our next FET in April.
It's been a rough couple of weeks, but I am still trying.
My attempt to look on the positive side of things today is that my hysteroscopy on Friday didn't find anything, other than some scar tissue, wrong with the structure of my ute. Which I expected because the last one was the same, but it's still nice to know.
And having faith that we will have a good outcome on our next FET in April.
It's been a rough couple of weeks, but I am still trying.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Leaving Comments
Debby @ For Your Tears said that she wasn't able to leave me a comment on my last post. Thanks for letting me know Debby!
I think I have fixed it but if not please let me know guys!
I think I have fixed it but if not please let me know guys!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Checking in
Just checking in -- Letting you all know that I am still alive out there in Interez world. I have been sick for over a week, started out with a cold that quickly turned into bronchitis and I have not felt like doing anything. I have been reading but not commenting much and I haven't felt like posting.
Everything other than that is ok.
Went in for a hysteroscopy yesterday (Friday). Everything looks good. There was scar tissue at the top of my uterus and DrH said it was either from Cadynce Pregnancy or the last one with the blighted ovum. He removed it all so I am in moderate pain and bleeding of course(yes on top of congestion and not being able to breathe -- it's awesome!!).
I was taking BCP for 14 days to force a cycle but now I have to take estradiol 3x daily for 2 weeks, on the 10th day start taking provera for 5 days (i've never taken this so a bit nervous) he says it's to help everything heal over better and then the provera to start a cycle. then i will start the bcps again and then hopefully do an FET.
I think i forgot to post that I got the results back from my repeat loss blood panel. everythings normal no chromosomal issues. I have MTHFR but other than that normal. I didnt ask what specific kind but will try to remember to next time I go in.
I am taking extra folic acid and a baby asprin everyday on top of the regular prenatals. and when we do the FET i will be on heparin which scares me a bit but if it helps i'm willing to do whatever it takes to get our rainbow here.
Hope everyone out there in blogland is well.
love yas ~~Al
Everything other than that is ok.
Went in for a hysteroscopy yesterday (Friday). Everything looks good. There was scar tissue at the top of my uterus and DrH said it was either from Cadynce Pregnancy or the last one with the blighted ovum. He removed it all so I am in moderate pain and bleeding of course(yes on top of congestion and not being able to breathe -- it's awesome!!).
I was taking BCP for 14 days to force a cycle but now I have to take estradiol 3x daily for 2 weeks, on the 10th day start taking provera for 5 days (i've never taken this so a bit nervous) he says it's to help everything heal over better and then the provera to start a cycle. then i will start the bcps again and then hopefully do an FET.
I think i forgot to post that I got the results back from my repeat loss blood panel. everythings normal no chromosomal issues. I have MTHFR but other than that normal. I didnt ask what specific kind but will try to remember to next time I go in.
I am taking extra folic acid and a baby asprin everyday on top of the regular prenatals. and when we do the FET i will be on heparin which scares me a bit but if it helps i'm willing to do whatever it takes to get our rainbow here.
Hope everyone out there in blogland is well.
love yas ~~Al
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
February - Meet you at the Sunset
It's time for the February Meeting @ Meet You at the Sunset.
Some people say men and women grieve differently. Others say that we as a human race grieve differently to each other. Some people believe that we all grieve the same just at different stages of time.
If you have a partner how has this grieving process been for you both. Do you differ much in how you live with grief? Has it torn you apart or brought you closer together? Have you learned anything about your partner that you did not know beforehand? Share what you feel comfortable with. Link your post from your blog in the Mr Linky below.
Chris and I are very different in how we live with and deal with our grief. When we were in the hospital after losing Cadynce he was the one who had to make all the calls and let everyone know what had happened and it was very hard for him, he cried a lot - more than I have ever seen him cry - even more than when his grandfather passed away. But once we got home it was pretty much back to life as normal. I know that he still hurts and is sad about it but he is not one to show emotion so this has been difficult for me, I've gotten mad at him a few times because it seems like I am the only one grieving.
I on the other hand was inconsolable for at least a week afterwards. And I still cry a few times a week (sometimes more, sometimes less). I am reserved in talking about it with others, but when it's just me, well I never know what I am going to get - Smiles, Tears or Anger.
I have internalized a lot of it by blaming myself which is why I have started seeing my therapist. I hope that it helps me to let go of that guilt that I am holding onto like I did something or am being punished for some reason.
All in all though we have gotten closer. He has been so supportive of me and has taken such good care of me, it's made me love him even more than I did before, and just reinforces the best decision I ever made was to say yes. :-)
Some people say men and women grieve differently. Others say that we as a human race grieve differently to each other. Some people believe that we all grieve the same just at different stages of time.
If you have a partner how has this grieving process been for you both. Do you differ much in how you live with grief? Has it torn you apart or brought you closer together? Have you learned anything about your partner that you did not know beforehand? Share what you feel comfortable with. Link your post from your blog in the Mr Linky below.
Chris and I are very different in how we live with and deal with our grief. When we were in the hospital after losing Cadynce he was the one who had to make all the calls and let everyone know what had happened and it was very hard for him, he cried a lot - more than I have ever seen him cry - even more than when his grandfather passed away. But once we got home it was pretty much back to life as normal. I know that he still hurts and is sad about it but he is not one to show emotion so this has been difficult for me, I've gotten mad at him a few times because it seems like I am the only one grieving.
I on the other hand was inconsolable for at least a week afterwards. And I still cry a few times a week (sometimes more, sometimes less). I am reserved in talking about it with others, but when it's just me, well I never know what I am going to get - Smiles, Tears or Anger.
I have internalized a lot of it by blaming myself which is why I have started seeing my therapist. I hope that it helps me to let go of that guilt that I am holding onto like I did something or am being punished for some reason.
All in all though we have gotten closer. He has been so supportive of me and has taken such good care of me, it's made me love him even more than I did before, and just reinforces the best decision I ever made was to say yes. :-)
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Comments
Just a couple of things.
1 - I am horrible about replying to comments. I read them all and am so grateful I have such wonderful women in my life! I never know how I should -- should I e-mail or just respond with my own comment. I hope you all know that I am appreciative that you take the time to comment on my innane ramblings.
2 - I took the captcha off to make it easier for you guys, but still required me to approve them, now I am taking anon off as well. While I haven't gotten any trolls....I am getting a lot of spam... For Zovirax. While I appreciate being able to get it cheap and all I dont have genital herpes..KTHXBAI!!!!!!
Just wanted to let anyone that comments as Anon know why.
Luv ya~~Al
1 - I am horrible about replying to comments. I read them all and am so grateful I have such wonderful women in my life! I never know how I should -- should I e-mail or just respond with my own comment. I hope you all know that I am appreciative that you take the time to comment on my innane ramblings.
2 - I took the captcha off to make it easier for you guys, but still required me to approve them, now I am taking anon off as well. While I haven't gotten any trolls....I am getting a lot of spam... For Zovirax. While I appreciate being able to get it cheap and all I dont have genital herpes..KTHXBAI!!!!!!
Just wanted to let anyone that comments as Anon know why.
Luv ya~~Al
Monday, March 1, 2010
Marvelous Mondays - 3/1/10
Rachel @ 3 Butterflies and a Monkey started Marvelous Mondays and I think it's a great idea.
My positive for today is that I survived Cadynce's due date yesterday.
I have wonderful friends who care about me and made sure to check up on us yesterday. And I have a wonderful husband who spoils me way more than I deserve (most of the time anyways).
32ND STREET BLOG PARTY
Just because I needed a distraction. Oh and giveaways, I love giveaways, even if I never win.
1. What's your favorite time of the day, and why?
The evening when my day is winding down and I am spending time with my hubby or our furbabies (oh and anytime I can sleep)
2. If health wasn't an issue, what food could you live off of?
Wow this is a hard one....ummm I really like food...French Fries I guess, but they have to be super salty fries. I looove loove french fries. Dont judge me.
3. If you could have one wish granted (besides wishing for more wishes), what would it be?
Well obviously it would be that Cadynce still be here with us,
but if that wasn't an option it would be for my brother to not be mentally ill. He has so much potential that because of his Bi-Polar/Schizo Effective Disorder he is unable to realize and that hurts my heart for him
4. What's one thing that you get teased about a lot?
How clumsy I am. "What was that noise, it sounded like something fell?" "Oh it was just Allison running into the door, or corner or tripping over nothing or falling down the stairs" Pick one any one You would be surprised at the ways I can injure myself. Like last month when I was at the GYN for my well-woman and my foot caught in the stirrup and I almost fell off the table - yeah that one was fun....
5. If you could choose one movie, book, or TV show to spend your life in, which would you pick? What type of character would you be?
The Wizard of Oz prolly, my favorite all time movie.....
Although I am in love with Edward from Twilight lol
6. If you could have one talent that you don't already have, what would it be?
To be able to play the piano, I always wanted piano lessons but never asked for them.
7.If money were no object, where would you go on vacation?
A tour around Europe. (Scotland, Ireland, Italy, etc....etc... etc.....)
8. If you were an awesome singer, which genre would you sing?
probably angry chick rock
9. If you could have a $10,000 shopping spree to one store, what would it be?
Oh wow. I would say Barnes & Noble, but I'm not sure even I could spend that much there.....
How about I just say the Outlet Mall by my house so that way I have LOTS of stores to spend it at
10. If you could live in any point in time, when would it be?
1900's probably. but i would have to be rich lol
11. If every outfit in your wardrobe had to be one color, what would it be?
purple absolutely purple
12. If you were one of the seven dwarves, which one would you be?
(Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Happy, or Dopey)
Bashful cause I'm ubershy
13. What's the last album you listened to?
the new keith urban
14. What's something we'd be surprised to know about you?
That I used to want to be a pediatrician or neonatologist, but then I "fell in love" and didnt go to college like I should have. I still wish I could though
1. What's your favorite time of the day, and why?
The evening when my day is winding down and I am spending time with my hubby or our furbabies (oh and anytime I can sleep)
2. If health wasn't an issue, what food could you live off of?
Wow this is a hard one....ummm I really like food...French Fries I guess, but they have to be super salty fries. I looove loove french fries. Dont judge me.
3. If you could have one wish granted (besides wishing for more wishes), what would it be?
Well obviously it would be that Cadynce still be here with us,
but if that wasn't an option it would be for my brother to not be mentally ill. He has so much potential that because of his Bi-Polar/Schizo Effective Disorder he is unable to realize and that hurts my heart for him
4. What's one thing that you get teased about a lot?
How clumsy I am. "What was that noise, it sounded like something fell?" "Oh it was just Allison running into the door, or corner or tripping over nothing or falling down the stairs" Pick one any one You would be surprised at the ways I can injure myself. Like last month when I was at the GYN for my well-woman and my foot caught in the stirrup and I almost fell off the table - yeah that one was fun....
5. If you could choose one movie, book, or TV show to spend your life in, which would you pick? What type of character would you be?
The Wizard of Oz prolly, my favorite all time movie.....
Although I am in love with Edward from Twilight lol
6. If you could have one talent that you don't already have, what would it be?
To be able to play the piano, I always wanted piano lessons but never asked for them.
7.If money were no object, where would you go on vacation?
A tour around Europe. (Scotland, Ireland, Italy, etc....etc... etc.....)
8. If you were an awesome singer, which genre would you sing?
probably angry chick rock
9. If you could have a $10,000 shopping spree to one store, what would it be?
Oh wow. I would say Barnes & Noble, but I'm not sure even I could spend that much there.....
How about I just say the Outlet Mall by my house so that way I have LOTS of stores to spend it at
10. If you could live in any point in time, when would it be?
1900's probably. but i would have to be rich lol
11. If every outfit in your wardrobe had to be one color, what would it be?
purple absolutely purple
12. If you were one of the seven dwarves, which one would you be?
(Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Happy, or Dopey)
Bashful cause I'm ubershy
13. What's the last album you listened to?
the new keith urban
14. What's something we'd be surprised to know about you?
That I used to want to be a pediatrician or neonatologist, but then I "fell in love" and didnt go to college like I should have. I still wish I could though
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