Glow in the Woods on community, writing, and public grief

**Edit --oops forgot to link to it -- got this meme from Glow in the Woods

1. How would you describe your presence on the internet? Does your online voice differ from your real life voice? If so, how? And why?

I'm not sure about this, I'm still finding my way.  I do think my voice differs here from what I show my IRL self.  I am more open in talking about how I feel and why I feel the things I do.  I'm not afraid to cry and be angry.  I think i censor my emotions a lot IRL.  I'm afraid of hurting those I love with my grief and/or afraid to show them how much I am really hurting.

2. Why did you begin blogging, or reading blogs? Was this before or after your experience of babyloss?

I started reading blogs right after IVF worked last June when we were expecting twins (as I had no idea what to expect) I quickly became addicted :-), and kept reading and finding others TTC even after the loss of the twin @ 8 wks.  I started my own blog after losing Cadynce @ 20 wks as a way to get the feelings out that I was afraid to show to people in my life.  I never expected to connect with people like i have
3. Do you write anonymously? Does anonymity - or would anonymity - change your expression of grief?

Semi-anonymously.  You all know my first name (a very few know my last name)

It does not change how I express myself, because this is where I feel I can be 100% honest about my grief

4. Do you have a responsibility in how you express yourself on the internet? To whom, and why?

No, I dont think so really.  This space is just for me. 

5. Do authenticity and honesty matter to you, both as a reader and a writer? Or does unconditional support matter more? How do you think readers perceive your truth?

All of the above matter to me.  I want to open and honest about my grief and how I am coping with all things whether related to it or not.  I never expect unconditional support because there are always people who wil disagree with your opinions or words no matter what the subject matter is.

I hope that my readers get something out of my words, even if it is just a feeling of not being alone in their journey.

6. Have you ever been in the crosshairs of a troll? How did you deal with it, and what did you learn from it?

Luckily, I have not been so far ******KNOCKS ON WOOD******

7. How do you feel before going online - either to write on your own blog, or to absorb the writing of others? How do you feel when you shut down the computer and walk away?

It varies from day to day really.  On the bad days I feel like I am on a cliff and when I am done getting my thoughts out I always feel better.  Somedays the grief is too much and not even writing about it helps me.

8. Do family/friends know you write/commune online? If so, have they told you how they feel about it? How do you respond to their opinions?

My hubby knows and he has the link, but I think he's only looked at it once.  My best friend Meeg knows about it but I don't know if she ever looks at it (If you do luv ya meeg).  And my awesome neighbor Natalie knows about it and I think checks it out from time to time -- HI NAT!

9. Have you ever met any other loss bloggers in real-life? How did it feel to share food and air and space, and how did it make you feel about your own storytelling and healing? If you haven't experienced this, would you want to, or not? Why?

No I have not but I would definately be open to meeting any of you in the Houston area.  I think it would help to have someone "who's been there" to talk to IRL

10. How did you/will you know it's time to read fewer grief blogs, and write less of grief? How did you/will you redirect your energy, creativity, and persona online -- did you/will you go offline? Disappear and start again? Or transition in your current space, hoping to find a new voice? If you've done this, how did it feel?

I don't know, I think I may always read some grief blogs, as I get a little bit further out I want to help those new to this journey but it opens up my wounds so I am contemplating how I can do that.
I'm sure that someday this blog will transition to something else but for now it is what it is

Flowers

Look what my wonderful hubby did to let me know he loved me and was thinking about me and Cadynce as our due date approaches. I love him, I forget sometimes how lucky I am!

Due date

After an emotional discussion with my hubby, we decided that we are just going to light a candle to remember our due date with Cadynce.

It's an unrealized milestone (as will be all the others, as you all well know unfortunately).  We want to remember the date she was born to us not the date she was due.  We probably write her notes and release balloons on her birthday in October.

Thank you for all your ideas, I want to just do everyone of them, but Chris is a stick in the mid.  Just kidding.  I think writing her a note and sending it to Heaven will be the best way for us on her birthday.

Al

Help!

I want to do something special for Cadynce's due date, but am at a loss as to what to do. 

We don't have a grave to go visit and take flowers and pretties to decorate.  What have some of you done to commerate this date for your angels?

..

Yesterday was a bad day, today was better.  I guess that's all I can hope for.  That at least one day a week be better.

Called to make 2nd appt with the therapist.  She had surgery but I think is back to work tomorrow, so just waiting for her to call me back.  I think I need this, someone to talk to.  Chris is there but he doesn't feel things exactly like I do and he does not truly understand.

I am ready for the weekend though.

Have a good rest of the week

Anger

**There may be cursing in this post so please do not be offended.

12 days, that's how many days I have left until Cadynce's due date.  I have to say I am not handling it very well.  My insomnia is worse.  I have not gone to bed before midnite since last probably Wednesday (and that's not condusive to a productive day when  you get up at 5 in the fucking morning).  And even when I am sleeping I toss and turn and have nightmares that I back in the hospital waiting to deliver our daughter too soon again.  All I can think of over and over again is the moment when they told me I would have to deliver and I told Chris I couldnt do it, That I wouldnt do it.  The moment at 6:00 am the next morning when I felt the need to push and it was over.

All I can think is it's over.  Why the hell did this shit happen to me?  Haven't I had enough to deal with in my lifetime that was hard and was supposed to make me a stronger person.  Having parents who couldnt raise me (hello abandonment issues), Being attacked @ 14 (hello trauma) there's been more.  But this.  This losing my daughter, the one person in this world that I wanted more than anything that I would have given my life for if it would have saved her, those other traumas have nothing on this.

The before Allison was a happy person, even dealing with IF and wanting so much to get pregnant, I was happy, I was loved and I knew it.  My life was right.

The after Allison is angry, I am pissed off and I have no one to blame, it's no one's fault I got the shit end of the deal.  I am so angry all of the time that I snap at co-workers and yell at my husband, am short with people I love.  I don't like the after Allison she's turning into a bitch and I have never been a bitch before (well not often). 

I used to be a nice person, but I don't feel nice anymore.  I want the before me back, she was easier to live with.

I don't know how to get through this week, this day, this hour or even this minute.  It hurts too much.  I'm tired, physically and emotinally.  I'm broken and I am beginning to think I will never be put back together.

I know that I have said I'm trying to find my new normal, well I don't think it's out there.  I don't think I will ever feel any semblance of normal again.  If there even is such a think after this.

I want you back Cadynce, I want you here with me and your daddy.

I want to not be so angry anymore.

Valentine Card from Birni

Thanks to Birni @ All the Little Ponies for the beautiful (and oh so true) Valentine for Cadynce.

It's so thoughtful.  I would love to do something similar for all of the BabyLoss Mom's out there, but I have no crafty imagination.  :-)

Ella's Butterfly Gallery

I have been meaning to thank Bree @ My Baby Butterfly Ella for Cadynce's Butterfly, but I'm a procrastinator and umm evidently a forgetful and ungrateful person :-)

SOOO thanks Bree for Cady's Butterfly (or Flutterbyes as we call them in our family)

Valentines by Jennifer

I wanted to say thanks to Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow for the heart with Cadynce's name.  I can only imagine how long you spent on this with all the names you created.

SO THANKS...

4 months

So, I was going to write some profound statement or letter to Cadynce since today is 4 months since she went to Heaven. But I can't I don't have it in me. All I want to do is cry and scream and gnash my teeth. I feel like I should be in biblical times when they actually did these things in their grief.

This is all I gots:

February 10, 2010

To my daughter Cadynce,

It has been 4 months since you were taken from us (I don't want to say lost because I really truly am beginning to hate that word, you are not lost). October 10, 2009 was both the best day and the worst day of my entire life. I got to meet my first born child my beautiful daughter and then I had to say good bye because it was too soon for you to be born.

You were my world. I miss you more each and every day that you aren't here. You were the most beautiful baby girl in the world. I wish that I could go back in time to that too short time after you were born and hold you longer. I do not think that I would let them take you away from me so soon this time. I would kiss your perfect 10 toes and fingers. Your beautiful hands and feet. I wish you could have lived even if for just a few moments so that I could have shared the same air with you if even for a second. I wonder what color your eyes would have been when you opened them for the first time to see me, even though I know that you really wouldn’t have been able to see me yet.

As more time goes by I am afraid that I will forget you, but at the same time I am afraid to remember. But I can't help remembering, and I guess I really wouldn’t have it any other way.

You will always be in my heart, you took a piece with you when you left and I don't think it will ever heal. But I don't want it to heal; I want to always know/feel that piece that is gone because I know that it is with you.

Please know that I would have given anything for you to not have to go, and I still would to this day for you to be here. I love you more than words can even express.

Cadynce I hope that in the short time you were with us that you know how much you were loved. I worry everyday about that.

Mommy misses you and loves you so much. I pray that you visit me in my dreams even though at the same time I am afraid to go to sleep.

So please visit me in my dreams tonight. I Need to KNOW that you are ok in Heaven with my Pawpaw and Daddy's Pappaw.

Lover forever and ever,
Mommy

Death and Panic Attacks

My step-grandfather passed away last Wednesday.  He'd been in the hospital for almost 7 weeks and he was close to 90.  He was having colon problems and they had to remove his colon, but he appeared to be getting better.  Tuesday he developed a fever and passed away abot 8:00pm Wednesday evening.  The funeral was Saturday.  I was planning on going to be there for my grandmother.  He was a good man who was wonderful and took such good care of my grandmother who has Parkinson's.

Well long story short (or short story even shorter) I wasn't able to go.  Just the thought of going to a funeral made me have severe panic attacks (yes attacks as in one everytime the thought crossed my mind), and sent me into a fresh bout of weeping.  It was not pretty to say the least.  Then came extreme feelings of guilt for not being able to get over myself and go for my grandmother.  I talked to my other grandmother and she told me that Memaw would understand.  It was just too soon, I don't know if I will ever be able to go to a funeral again.  It's too stark a reminder that my baby died, she's not here anymore she's gone.

I have had panic attacks before but never like that it scared me pretty badly.  I have my first appointment this evening with a therapist I hope that it helps.  Sometimes it's like I can't get those 2 days out of my mind all I keep thinking about is when they told me I would have to deliver my baby, who was still alive in my womb and I knew that once she wasnt she would be gone.  Or holding her and kissing her and loving her, but never getting to see what color her eyes were.

I never want to forget and I never will, but I want some peace, to not have to remember every second of every day.

WOW

So I really just noticed that I have 47 followers.  That makes me feel all warm and gushy and loved.

Angry, Sad, Undecided

I am having a range of emotions the last few days.  One minute I'm angry, the next I'm sad, then I don't know how I feel.  Of course the miscarriage is contributing to it but that's not all.  Cadynce's EDD is coming up soon (2/28) and I'm hurting almost as if we just lost her.  I haven't cried in the shower in a while, but this morning I couldn't stop crying.  I'll be sitting at my desk at work, busy and working away, then all of the sudden I'll tear up and have to go to the restroom to cry (I am not a quiet crier).  I haven't done that since the first couple of weeks after I came back to work.

My boss had her baby last Tuesday.  Her daughter was born healthy and beautiful and I am so happy for her, but I'm jealous and angry at the same time.  Why does she get 4 complication free pregnancies and I can't even get my first born daughter here safely.  After losing Cadynce why can't I catch a break and not have a problem with our FET and have a somewhat normal pregnancy (as normal as a high risk would be anyway).  I know saying it's not fair doesn't help, it doesn't change things.  BUT DAMN IT--IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!  There have only been 2 things that I have been absolutely certain I wanted out of my life from the time I was a young child.  I wanted to meet a wonderful man who would love me and treat me well (I got that one when I met Chris 8 years ago and we were married 6 yrs ago), and to have children (I love children and they have always loved me, my grandmother used to joke that if there was a baby or toddler anywhere in the vicinity they would find their way to me and not want let me go), so why does the one thing that I still want from life have to be so hard for me to achieve.

I'm trying to keep hope and have faith.  I have always believed in God and right and wrong and all that, but right now I just don't.  I don't know  how I don't know where to start and where to go.  I am thinking about going to see a grief counselor.  I think I am dealing with things relatively well, but I want to talk to someone that deals with people going through similar issues and situations to tell me that I really am handling things and not just pushing things to the back burner and ignoring them.  But at the same time I dont want to, I dont want to talk about it with a stranger.  Will they truly know what I am going through or will they just tell me what the "books" tell them to tell me.  I went to counseling a couple of times a very long time ago when I was in the depths of depression, but I don't feel that it did me any good so it makes me reluctant to try it again.  Chris said that he will support me no matter what I decide in this and in trying again, with whatever decision I make, but really I hate making decisions.  I wish that it could be as easy as it was when I was younger, you were just told here this is what you will do.  I know it doesnt work that way anymore, but sometimes it just seems easier.

Well enough pity party.  I'll figure it out sooner or later I suppose.