My step-grandfather passed away last Wednesday. He'd been in the hospital for almost 7 weeks and he was close to 90. He was having colon problems and they had to remove his colon, but he appeared to be getting better. Tuesday he developed a fever and passed away abot 8:00pm Wednesday evening. The funeral was Saturday. I was planning on going to be there for my grandmother. He was a good man who was wonderful and took such good care of my grandmother who has Parkinson's.
Well long story short (or short story even shorter) I wasn't able to go. Just the thought of going to a funeral made me have severe panic attacks (yes attacks as in one everytime the thought crossed my mind), and sent me into a fresh bout of weeping. It was not pretty to say the least. Then came extreme feelings of guilt for not being able to get over myself and go for my grandmother. I talked to my other grandmother and she told me that Memaw would understand. It was just too soon, I don't know if I will ever be able to go to a funeral again. It's too stark a reminder that my baby died, she's not here anymore she's gone.
I have had panic attacks before but never like that it scared me pretty badly. I have my first appointment this evening with a therapist I hope that it helps. Sometimes it's like I can't get those 2 days out of my mind all I keep thinking about is when they told me I would have to deliver my baby, who was still alive in my womb and I knew that once she wasnt she would be gone. Or holding her and kissing her and loving her, but never getting to see what color her eyes were.
I never want to forget and I never will, but I want some peace, to not have to remember every second of every day.
10 comments:
Sorry to hear about your step-grandfather. I understand your anxiety about attending a funeral. I went to one just after my babies passed away and I cried the entire time. I felt guilty because I was crying for my babies and I was at someone else's funeral.
I hope your appointment tonight goes well. I too replay those moments over and over in my head. I hope you someday can find some peace as you remember your girl. xx
It really is hard. 90% of my husbands family and family friends have their wakes at the same funeral home we used for the boys. Sadly, its not a place we can avoid forever, as much as I want to. I can't get the thought of what happened in those walls, the days that I last saw, held, and kissed my baby boys. You can't feel guilty for grief, and what the thought of a funeral does to you. Its not easy, it won't be easy, it may never be easy. I hope the counsellor can help you through some things. I have thought many times of going back to one, but haven't made the call yet. Lots of *hugs*
I'm sorry for your loss, Allison. I haven't been able to attend funerals since I lost my dad and Ella. Honestly, we didn't even have traditional services for either one of them, so it just feels wrong attending someone else's service. I'm sorry you're experiencing panic attacks. I get them too. The only thing that has worked for me is xanex. Thinking of you. Take care of yourself!
Oh Ali... I am so sorry for your loss (all of them). I know your grandmother would understand. I understand, if that helps. You've been through so much. Hopefully you'll find some reassurance in your upcoming counseling sessions. I know they helped me tremendously. Sending you hugs!
My grief counselor has been a lifeline - I hope that yours is helpful for you, and that you're able to heal. Thinking of you.
Your step Grandfather knows that you loved him. It was okay not to go. ((HUGS)) It's way to soon. I pray for your comfort and strength.
I am sure that the therapist will be able to help you. This is a good step to be taking.
BIG HUGS Ali!!! I hope your appointment goes well!
I'm sorry for your loss. If it helps any, I understand. Thinking of you.
*hugs* I am so sorry for loss. I hope your therapist provides the solace you seek. Thinking of you.
I'm so sorry about your grandpa. I haven't been to a funeral yet and I'm not sure how it would be for me. I'm sure it would bring back a lot of our time spent with the funeral home-and it was a lot since we spent time with them months before her birth.
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