I am having a range of emotions the last few days. One minute I'm angry, the next I'm sad, then I don't know how I feel. Of course the miscarriage is contributing to it but that's not all. Cadynce's EDD is coming up soon (2/28) and I'm hurting almost as if we just lost her. I haven't cried in the shower in a while, but this morning I couldn't stop crying. I'll be sitting at my desk at work, busy and working away, then all of the sudden I'll tear up and have to go to the restroom to cry (I am not a quiet crier). I haven't done that since the first couple of weeks after I came back to work.
My boss had her baby last Tuesday. Her daughter was born healthy and beautiful and I am so happy for her, but I'm jealous and angry at the same time. Why does she get 4 complication free pregnancies and I can't even get my first born daughter here safely. After losing Cadynce why can't I catch a break and not have a problem with our FET and have a somewhat normal pregnancy (as normal as a high risk would be anyway). I know saying it's not fair doesn't help, it doesn't change things. BUT DAMN IT--IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!! There have only been 2 things that I have been absolutely certain I wanted out of my life from the time I was a young child. I wanted to meet a wonderful man who would love me and treat me well (I got that one when I met Chris 8 years ago and we were married 6 yrs ago), and to have children (I love children and they have always loved me, my grandmother used to joke that if there was a baby or toddler anywhere in the vicinity they would find their way to me and not want let me go), so why does the one thing that I still want from life have to be so hard for me to achieve.
I'm trying to keep hope and have faith. I have always believed in God and right and wrong and all that, but right now I just don't. I don't know how I don't know where to start and where to go. I am thinking about going to see a grief counselor. I think I am dealing with things relatively well, but I want to talk to someone that deals with people going through similar issues and situations to tell me that I really am handling things and not just pushing things to the back burner and ignoring them. But at the same time I dont want to, I dont want to talk about it with a stranger. Will they truly know what I am going through or will they just tell me what the "books" tell them to tell me. I went to counseling a couple of times a very long time ago when I was in the depths of depression, but I don't feel that it did me any good so it makes me reluctant to try it again. Chris said that he will support me no matter what I decide in this and in trying again, with whatever decision I make, but really I hate making decisions. I wish that it could be as easy as it was when I was younger, you were just told here this is what you will do. I know it doesnt work that way anymore, but sometimes it just seems easier.
Well enough pity party. I'll figure it out sooner or later I suppose.
16 comments:
I'm sorry. You're right; it's not fair.
Abiding with you.
I'm so sorry. This sucks. There's just no other way to put it.
I've been reading your blog for a couple weeks...after I had my second second trimester miscarriage in December. I lost our first baby at 17 weeks in April, and our second at 14 weeks in December.
That week in December I decided to see out a counselor. I had been thinking about it for awhile as new anxieties crept in while I was pregnant. I had never sought out counseling before, and didn't know what I wanted, other than I wanted someone to talk to and to feel better. Somehow. Anyhow. I also think I'm working through the process and doing well overall, but I see her every two weeks, and I love her. It feels SO GOOD to be validated in my feelings when it feels like others around me are tired of listening.
I wish you nothing but hope and peace for whatever comes next.
I'm so sorry. I think things like new babies and just everything you have recently been through might be adding to your grief.
I second Karin's thoughts on grief counseling. I went for a while and it was nice for me b/c she helped me to see things 'outside the box' looking in on my situation. I don't know, it just helped to get a different perspective. I am thinking about doing art therapy now. I live so far from my counselor now, but I think I am ready for change. Hope you find what helps you. xx
You're so right, it's not fair at all. You've done everything right, you've wanted your babies more than anyone could imagine - it's horrible and unthinkable. You have every right to mourn, but I hope that brings you peace. Thinking of you.
It really isnt fair! Others seem to have no problem getting pg and take home live babies, yet some of us (me included) strugle to get pregnant and then our babies die - I dont understand the world sometimes.
I will recommend seeing someone as my therapist has been really great, at first it was just lovely talking about my girls to someone who listened, now we are actually working on some issues... I cant imagine where I would be in my grief without her.
You're right. It isn't fair. I'm so sorry Ali.
As for seeing a counsellor, I would say to go with what feels right to you. I think you need to find someone who you can relate to, who understands your way of looking at the world. Just because you go to someone once, doesn't mean you are under any obligation to go back to that same person a second time.
Thinking of you x
You know what? Its not fair. Yell it as loud as you want, as often as you need to. I feel the exact same way. It sucks, plain and simple. Lots of *hugs*
It isn't fair at all. I think you should give the counseling a try. If you feel you don't like it or it's not really helping then you can just stop going.
thanks for the support. i have decided to give seeing a counselor a try and have reached out to one near my home. will wait for her to contact me back to see if she could help me.
Oh honey... I am so sorry. I know these feelings so well and it breaks my heart to read them and to know the suffering... Sending hugs and prayers.
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." ~Unknown~
I found this quote on a friends blog and it reminds me of why we are courageous and keep trying. Praying for you hun.
No, it isn't fair at all. And you have every right to cry in the shower, cry at your desk, be jealous of your boss and just angry in general. There is no wrong way to grieve the loss of Cadynce.
Hugs to you . . .
Marie that is a beautiful quote.
to you all --
Not that I ever would in a million years wish this pain and grief and anger on someone, but it helps me to know that there really are others out there that know and understand how I feel. For those of you that have gone on to have children have your losses you give me hope that I really will be strong enough to make it there as well
I'm so sorry. Hugs!!! I'm on my crackberry and can't type much right now. Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you!
I am always so refreshed by your honesty Allison - it must be so hard to say these things out loud since some people don't quite understand what you're going through. You have every right to be "angry, sad, and undecided." My hope for you is that you find an amazing counselor that will help you in this process. Although I am always right across the street if you just want a few beers & a good cry. Thinking of you daily & praying each day is easier than the last.
Ali, if you find the right counselor it will be a great help. I saw a counselor for awhile who specialized in women dealing with loss and infertility. It was great to have some validate my feelings so that I knew I wasn't going crazy. Having a "stranger's" perspective is sometimes helpful.
None of this is fair. You do what is right for you. Thinking of you and praying for you. *hugs*
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