**There may be cursing in this post so please do not be offended.
12 days, that's how many days I have left until Cadynce's due date. I have to say I am not handling it very well. My insomnia is worse. I have not gone to bed before midnite since last probably Wednesday (and that's not condusive to a productive day when you get up at 5 in the fucking morning). And even when I am sleeping I toss and turn and have nightmares that I back in the hospital waiting to deliver our daughter too soon again. All I can think of over and over again is the moment when they told me I would have to deliver and I told Chris I couldnt do it, That I wouldnt do it. The moment at 6:00 am the next morning when I felt the need to push and it was over.
All I can think is it's over. Why the hell did this shit happen to me? Haven't I had enough to deal with in my lifetime that was hard and was supposed to make me a stronger person. Having parents who couldnt raise me (hello abandonment issues), Being attacked @ 14 (hello trauma) there's been more. But this. This losing my daughter, the one person in this world that I wanted more than anything that I would have given my life for if it would have saved her, those other traumas have nothing on this.
The before Allison was a happy person, even dealing with IF and wanting so much to get pregnant, I was happy, I was loved and I knew it. My life was right.
The after Allison is angry, I am pissed off and I have no one to blame, it's no one's fault I got the shit end of the deal. I am so angry all of the time that I snap at co-workers and yell at my husband, am short with people I love. I don't like the after Allison she's turning into a bitch and I have never been a bitch before (well not often).
I used to be a nice person, but I don't feel nice anymore. I want the before me back, she was easier to live with.
I don't know how to get through this week, this day, this hour or even this minute. It hurts too much. I'm tired, physically and emotinally. I'm broken and I am beginning to think I will never be put back together.
I know that I have said I'm trying to find my new normal, well I don't think it's out there. I don't think I will ever feel any semblance of normal again. If there even is such a think after this.
I want you back Cadynce, I want you here with me and your daddy.
I want to not be so angry anymore.
13 comments:
Ali, reading this post was like going back in time. I was so angry right after that I kept spewing it on anyone close to me. But these are necessary feelings. Anger is a very important step in the grieving process. I bounce back and forth between these steps alot, they are not something thats followed step by step, Just let yourself feel whatever your feeling and let it out. *HUGS*
Oh Ali honey, I'm sending you hugs. I'm so sorry you're dealing with Cadynce's upcoming due date and that you are going through so much anger. It is impossible to go back to the lives we had before we lost our children as much as we all would like it to happen. I think that you will likely be angry for awhile and that when you decide to surrender to the grief, to the changes, to living without Cadynce, eventually your anger will fade. You will forever miss her and your life will always feel different but future happiness IS possible. Be gentle with yourself sweetie, allow yourself your anger and grief. You need to feel these emotions in order to move beyond them. Sending you my love...
I was so angry as well. I tried to hide my anger and I think that made my grieving worse. As Jennifer (The Blue Sparrow) said, let yourself feel and let it out.
One of the things that helped me to get through that week and that day was to find a way to honor my babies.
I don't want to be angry anymore either. Reading you post felt like I was reading parts of myself. I haven't been through much of what you have been through, but I uunderstand and relate to IF and I understand loosing a child. Let it out, don't bottle it up inside. Lots of *hugs*
I know it doesn't feel like it, but this anger is productive. It allows you to feel, to be mad at this gross injustice - I am so very sorry. I'm sorry that you have this loss, that you have this anger. Sending hugs to you.
((hugs)) These are normal feelings, thinking of you as you walk this path of grief. I think its good for you to be getting it out. Thinking of you as Cadynces due date approaches.
You're anger is so justified and so NORMAL. I lost Lily at 23 weeks and the remaining 17 weeks were just torture. I'm not a physical person but I would punch pillows and throw things...I was beyond pissed. Like yourself, I had already dealt with so much shit (hey, I'm going to cuss with you!) but nothing compared to losing Lily. I wanted to die. I took a long time to shake those feelings...you will get to that new normal. It takes time. I'm 18 months into my new normal and I still have anger when it comes to losing Lily.
Thinking of you ((HUGS))
Oh honey... We have all had these feelings. Be gentle to yourself and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. {hugs}
I'm not sure if it makes you feel any better, but I'm angry too. So angry that I took it out on a co-worker today. I'm not proud of it, but it made me feel better and now I hate it because that's not me. Go ahead and let it out. You're allowed to be angry. We won't judge becuase we "get it". :) Thinking of you!
This Allison gets those angry moments too. I've found out that working out has helped me a TON to get all that energy out. I've also been talking with people in similar situations and have seen a counselor a couple of times. They have a wonderful place here that caters to people that have lost children...no matter how young.
If you ever need to talk, feel free to email me: Allison DOT L DOT Dyer AT gmail.com
Just get it out. Dont let it fester. We have the right to be angry and doubtful and hurt.
We are here to listen!
Yup, been there too. Like the other posters said, it really does suck - that first due date comes and it's like the air is sucked out of your world. I fully intended to get up and go to work that day. Didn't happen. The days leading up to my due date were pure torture but, like the delivery of your baby, you get through it. We are here for you because we've been there too. We get you, we understand and you are not alone.
No words of wisdom coming from me! I have none...I feel what you're feeling, well, not exactly, but you know what I mean...it's not easy, it sucks, and we didn't deserve it!
HUGS to you!
I will def be thinking of you and Cadynce!
Thinking of you as you approach Cadynce's due date. x
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