Wordless Wednesday - 6/30/2010

despair

Father's Day

Father's Day was much harder for me than Mother's Day.  I've already grieved for all the things that I will never get to do with Cady (well I grieve them everyday).  And while I have grieved for all the things that Chris will never get to to with her or for her.  It really hit me hard on Sunday.  I cried a lot, but Chris was so supportive - he's awesome and I love him more each day.

I've been trying to write this post since Sunday, blah......  So I give up ha.

I'm better now - I realized why I have been so incredibly moody the last week or so.  I hadn't taken my Zoloft in almost 3 weeks.  Now before I get a lecture from anyone :-p it wasn't on purpose.  I had a routine that I took all my meds at nite when I took my prenatal well I stopped taking my prenatal after this last miscarriage because well I figured what was the point, but decided this weekend to that I really should start taking it again to keep all the vitamins in my system.  That's when I realized.  I'm a moron ha.....

I'm taking the zoloft again since Monday - life is much better again.

:-)  Happy Wednesday!

Oh this is my 100th post wow I can't believe that I have had enough to say for 100 posts lol.

Hurts

Yesterday I was in a good mood.  Honestly I can say it was the best I have felt, the happiest I have been since October 9, 2009 (the last day I was a blissfully happy pregnant woman).  It made me hopeful there would be many more of those days.

Today not so much.  I hurt, I can't breathe and I just want to cry.  I really wish I wasn't at work so I could indulge in the tears, but life goes on so I am trying to suck it up for now.

I know I will have more happy days, I have to believe that because I really don't know how I would go on if I didn't think that there would be more of those days around the corner.  It just seems like the corner just keeps getting farther and farther away instead of closer for each step I take.

I know that I will never be the person I was before October 9th when they told me I was fully dilated and there was nothing they could do to stop the labor, and October 10th when I gave birth to our beautiful daughter too early.  But I want just a portion of that me back, even just a teeny tiny portion.  At this point I would take anything.

I don't like being negative, I used to be a pretty positive person.  I miss that me.  I am trying to adjust to the new me, but I don't like her very much.  Just have to keep trying I guess since this is me now.  The cranky weepy person I have become.

Deep breath, just keep trying.

Mother's Grief

Mother's Grief

It matures you, they said

It matures you, they say

Wasn't I mature enough before?

Was I really that bad?

Was I one of the worst?

How come God chose me?

Bereavement and Growth

by Marion Cohen

UNITE Notes, fall 1981, Vol. 1, no. 1

UNITE, Inc.

Today is 8 months since we said hello, we love you and good-bye we love.  All within a span of 5 minutes.  I miss you a little bit more each day.  I think about you each day.  I remember the good things - when we found out about you, when we saw you moving on each ultrasound, how stubborn you were when you refused to let the U/S tech even catch a glimpse when we were trying to see if you were a girl or a boy, each time I saw and heard your heartbeat, the first time I felt you kick me.  I wish that we could have had lots more good memories.  I think about the last time I heard your heartbeat.  I think about how I knew you were coming when I had the urge to push but I fought it because it was too early for you to be born and I knew that we were going to have to say good-bye.

There are days when I don't think I can go on, then there are days when it seems like I am doing so much better.  I honestly don't know which ones are worse.  Sometimes I think it is the days when I am doing better because it feels like I am being disloyal to you and forgetting about you (even though I know I never could or will). 

I miss you.

Your daddy misses you.

We love you Cadynce

Clarification

Ms. J pointed out something in her comment on my last post, and she is absolutely correct.  When I said children of my own, I meant biological children, being able to carry and give birth to them.

I already know that if and when we do decide to go ahead and adopt that child or children will be ours, I will love them exactly the same as if I had been the one to give birth to them.  DNA does not matter at all once that child is in your arms and heart.

I truly hope that I did not offend or hurt any adoptive parents or adoptees.

Thank you Ms. J for pointing out my error in the way I phrased it!  :-)

Not sure

I've been trying to write a post for a couple of days, but really I don't know that I have much to say right now. 

I'm not really angry anymore about not being able to do a fresh cycle of IVF until after the 1st of the year, just disappointed.  I'm trying to be positive about it.  Going to start working out again and try to lose a little weight maybe.  We shall see how that goes.

I'm just not sure where we go from here.  I know that we will try at least one more time in 2011, but I'm tired.

• I'm tired of getting my hopes up
• I'm tired of losing what I was hoping for
• I'm tired of seeing other people get what I want
• I'm tired of seeing other people get what I want when they either don't want it or don't deserve it
• I'm tired of finishing last
• I'm tired of hurting
• I'm tired of crying
• I'm tired of not being able to give my husband a child, when I know he would be an excellent father
• I'm tired of people asking me if I have children
• I'm tired of having to say "Yes, but my daughter died" (I know this is a fact and will never change but well you know)
• I'm tired of being angry
• I'm tired of being me
• I'm tired of the world, my life everything getting in the way, it makes me feel like someone out there doesn't think I should be a mother to a living child.
• I'm tired of being the one that bad things happen to (I should be used to this it's been this way my whole life)

I really just am at a loss knowing what it is I need and/or want anymore.  Chris has always been very anti-adoption but we talked about it again last week and he just really didn't understand it.  So now he is open to adopting.  We are looking into adoption agencies.  But I am even not sure when I want to go forward.  I don't know if I am ready to let go of my dream of having my own child(ren) yet.  It hurts me to think about it.  All my life I have only ever known one thing - that I want to be a mother - I guess I just never thought it would be this hard (and I know we all feel that way). 

Does anyone have any advice on what to look for when choosing an adoption agency (it's really overwhelming!)

I keep trying to tell myself stay positive, but it's getting very difficult for me to do.

Angry

I am very very angry today.  Because of the FET's I have no PTO time left so was just going to take unpaid time to do our IVF in August.

Well work has decided to amend the PTO policy (not that there really as one to begin with) everytime you take a day off and dont have PTO time to use you will get written up and if you get more than 3 instances you can be fired.

I am so pissed off.  This means we will have to wait until next year sometime so I have over 40 hours of time accured to do IVF #2.  I wanted to get this started and over with so that if it doesnt work we can get serious about adoption.

I am so fucking angry....I haven't been this angry and lost in a really long time.

I am beginning to think that we arent meant to have children of our own as everything in my life - losing Cady, 2 miscarriages and now not being able to cycle when I want - is getting in the way.

Hi guys

Hi everyone.  The last week has been a very emotionally difficult week for me (as I know you can understand) so I have been avoiding everything.

But I'm doing a lot better.  Testing once a week until beta drops back down to 0.  Then we will be back on the IVF train.  Not sure what my protocol will be with this IVF but we had excellent response with our fresh cycle last June so I figure it won't be much different.  I am figuring on starting the whole process in July hopefully with BCPs and depending on if Dr H wants us to do another hysteroscopy could mean retrieval in August - at least that's what I am hoping.

waiting on V (nurse from dr h's) to call me to let me know how much beta dropped from last week (it was over 5K) hopefully it will go down quickly.  I really dont want to hang around on this shitty merry go round too long.

I would really like it if you guys would go give Lis some support she just had a negative beta with her IVF after losing her beautiful twins in October.  She is now contemplating her next steps. Hugs Lis.

Thanks for all your support and wonderful comments over the last week.  they all meant a lot to me.

XoXo - Al