Ms. J pointed out something in her comment on my last post, and she is absolutely correct. When I said children of my own, I meant biological children, being able to carry and give birth to them.
I already know that if and when we do decide to go ahead and adopt that child or children will be ours, I will love them exactly the same as if I had been the one to give birth to them. DNA does not matter at all once that child is in your arms and heart.
I truly hope that I did not offend or hurt any adoptive parents or adoptees.
Thank you Ms. J for pointing out my error in the way I phrased it! :-)
3 comments:
im too lazy to go back and read what you stated exactly but i will say that the desire to reproduce is innate, normal, and expected. if any of us get to the point where we cannot reproduce, that is a loss and can be grieved as such. i don't want you to think that you or anyone else shouldn't or couldn't.
i certainly didn't pick up anything out of the ordinary with your post, but kudos to you for being so sweet and clarifying your true feelings to someone who did.
I read that post. With all due love and respect, while I can understand Ms. J's point, she's already there - she's in the life where she has an adopted child. That's her life. That's not your life yet. You haven't made peace with possibility not having a biological child. One of the things that adoption agencies (as well as a ton of books on the subject) say is that you need to come to terms with that idea. You aren't there yet. You don't have the language of that life. My point is this: I don't want you to feel like you did or said something wrong because you didn't. You just aren't in that mindset yet and that's okay.
Honey . . . I was not offended, per se, I just wanted to give you a new way of looking at things - and also expose you to what is referred to as "positive adoption language" (PAL, for short). It's very important for children who come to us via adoption feel as connected and grounded as those who join our family via a biological route.
As for MK's comment that I have an adopted child, that's not correct . . . I have one daughter who "was" adopted. Her adoption is not in the present tense, which the phrase an adopted child implies (to a child) subconsciously. Lil Pumpkin's adoption was something that occurred in the past, whereas her status as my child is the present tense. Please, please, please, I am not trying to be the P.C. police on this - just truly & kindly trying to point out that words and phrases carry alot of weight in that community, and I would hate for anyone to comment on someone's blog or make a comment in their real life to someone in my situation (or someone hoping to adopt) and find themselves verbally assaulted if they ticked off the wrong person, LOL.
I agree that one must make peace with the route the choose to pursue to parent, even if that means closing the door on other routes. I think it works best if you commit to a single route and run like hell towards it! I can't give any perspective on knowing what it's like to grieve the desire to produce a bio-child because those weren't feelings my husband or I ever had. We just wanted to parent. But I know it's a bona fide feeling some couples have and I totally support your need to come to peace with that (maybe peace isn't the right word? But being ready to let go of the need, and moving along to another path?! Forgive me if I stumble on the right words for that!)
Your situation is unique, given your tremendous loss of your beautiful daughter . . . and being ready to move on to adoption is of course going to factor into that. I'd imagine that for many women being angry with their bodies (though it's NOT your fault) may make it more difficult to resolve that another path is their best route to parenting a child.
Again, I wasn't offended, really . . . I know you are hurting. I was only trying to give you a glimpse from the other side, and maybe some perspective to share with your husband. Men usually are slower to come to adoption than women, for fears they can't love something "not their own." I'd point out that husbands love their wives, and that's not a bio-connection either.
I'm here to support you, no matter which route you choose, if you will let me :o)
HUGS!
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