I'm not really angry anymore about not being able to do a fresh cycle of IVF until after the 1st of the year, just disappointed. I'm trying to be positive about it. Going to start working out again and try to lose a little weight maybe. We shall see how that goes.
I'm just not sure where we go from here. I know that we will try at least one more time in 2011, but I'm tired.
- I'm tired of getting my hopes up
- I'm tired of losing what I was hoping for
- I'm tired of seeing other people get what I want
- I'm tired of seeing other people get what I want when they either don't want it or don't deserve it
- I'm tired of finishing last
- I'm tired of hurting
- I'm tired of crying
- I'm tired of not being able to give my husband a child, when I know he would be an excellent father
- I'm tired of people asking me if I have children
- I'm tired of having to say "Yes, but my daughter died" (I know this is a fact and will never change but well you know)
- I'm tired of being angry
- I'm tired of being me
- I'm tired of the world, my life everything getting in the way, it makes me feel like someone out there doesn't think I should be a mother to a living child.
- I'm tired of being the one that bad things happen to (I should be used to this it's been this way my whole life)
Does anyone have any advice on what to look for when choosing an adoption agency (it's really overwhelming!)
I keep trying to tell myself stay positive, but it's getting very difficult for me to do.
6 comments:
Ali, I know this break is a forced break and not what you want. . . . but maybe in light of everything you've been through, it can be good for you.
I have not investigated adoption, so I have no advice to offer you. I'm sure someone else with more knowledge than I will respond.
I hope you find peace.
I am so sorry at how all of the frustration is piling up. You have been through so, so, so much, honey. Please keep talking about it here, though, no matter how many days in a row you feel like you are stuck on the same sentiments - we will keep reading and nodding and supporting you, for as long as it takes.
As for agencies . . . depends on whether you want to do international, domestic (some agencies do both, though), and so on. Our China adoption was through Holt International (who also does domestic adoptions), and I can't say enough good things about them! I have referred several friends to them (they switched agencies) and they too have been very pleased. It might depend on the state you live in, as well as (if doing a domestic adoption) what level of openess (or lack thereof) you are comfortable with.
One gentle thing I must tell you . . . you say "my own children" . . . while I know you meant "biological," please know that as an adoptive mom, my Chinese daughter is as much my own as the one who came forth from my body. Every adoptive parent feels that their children, despite being non-biological, are "their own," too. You come to form a bond so incredibly strong, it's organic - and it's as fierce as intrinsic and strong as any biological bond one might imagine. Lil Pumpkin is no less my own because she is of a different race and has different DNA, just as children who are the products of donor eggs or sperm as still someone's "own children."
Please keep writing about how you feel . . . we're here to listen and comfort and empower, when you're ready.
HUGS.
I don't have anything brilliant to say, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for all you have gone through.
I'm not sure about adoption but I'm sure you can get some good advice from the other mommies out there.
I wish I had words of wisdom or help on adoption agencies. While I don't, I do have words of encouragement and love.
I wish I had answers or the words to comfort you. Please know I am abiding with you.
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