Yesterday I was in a good mood. Honestly I can say it was the best I have felt, the happiest I have been since October 9, 2009 (the last day I was a blissfully happy pregnant woman). It made me hopeful there would be many more of those days.
Today not so much. I hurt, I can't breathe and I just want to cry. I really wish I wasn't at work so I could indulge in the tears, but life goes on so I am trying to suck it up for now.
I know I will have more happy days, I have to believe that because I really don't know how I would go on if I didn't think that there would be more of those days around the corner. It just seems like the corner just keeps getting farther and farther away instead of closer for each step I take.
I know that I will never be the person I was before October 9th when they told me I was fully dilated and there was nothing they could do to stop the labor, and October 10th when I gave birth to our beautiful daughter too early. But I want just a portion of that me back, even just a teeny tiny portion. At this point I would take anything.
I don't like being negative, I used to be a pretty positive person. I miss that me. I am trying to adjust to the new me, but I don't like her very much. Just have to keep trying I guess since this is me now. The cranky weepy person I have become.
Deep breath, just keep trying.
15 comments:
So sorry you are having a bad day. Sending peaceful, calm thoughts your way.
So sorry you are having a bad day. Sending peaceful, calm thoughts your way.
It's okay . . . you have earned those tears, and the cranky feelings, and wanting to lash out and even to be miserable. What has happened, and what is your reality - the life without your baby girl here with you - is awful to comprehend and yet go with each day.
Please, have you talked to a grief counselor recently? I sincerely hope you will consider doing so. It helped me a great deal, and I still go from time to time when I need to. You are living with a huge tragedy, that is still very fresh and raw, and the reminders are everywhere. Even if you have a wonderful husband and supportive friends and family, talking to someone who specializes in this type of trauma can really help - I am not suggesting they will help you "get over it," as this is something that can never be gotten over. But they can help you breathe ever so slightly easier, and not keep falling down further and further.
Will you think about it? And even if you make the appointment but feel better before it comes time, still go and talk with them. I promise you it's going to become ever so slighly more manageable to live with - and doing so won't mean that you are letting go of how much you love your daughter. You can still be just as touch with your girl, and find it okay to smile again and feel better about living day to day.
Please keep blogging in the meantime, honey. People are here to help and listen and nod.
I like the new blog look! (And apologize if it isn't that new and I just haven't stopped by in awhile.)
I understand your frustration with not feeling like yourself. SLOWLY I'm feeling more like what I consider to be ME every day. We're forever changed because of our babies. Nothing will change that. The bad days are still bad, but just as you said, a good day is hope for more good days.
I'm sorry, Ali. I can only imagine how a loss like yours would change anyone.
I hope you have more happy days soon.
I'm so sorry, Ali. I am hoping and praying that more happy days are around the corner for you. BIG HUGS!!!!
BTW, I sleep with the little lamb blanket I had embroidered with Jack's name every night. You posted a comment on my blog assuring me that was a normal thing to do right after we lost him. I will be forever grateful for your kind words to me in those early days. You are a lovely mommy and you are making a difference in people's lives.
i am right there with you. sometimes it's enough to give you whiplash, the abrupt change from 'okay' to 'worst ever' im so sorry ali. this sucks.
xoxo
Oh Ali. I'm sorry that today was so tough.
Sometimes all we can do is keep trying.
I hope the there are many, many more happy days in your future and that tomorrow is a gentler day for you. xo
I think eventually some of older us will return. The happier and positive parts. We'll never be completely who we once were.
HUGS to you today, and any day that you need one.
(whatwouldjendo.com)
Wow. I know exactly what you are describing here. To a T! HUGS!
I'm thinking of you so much. Wishing you lots of brighter days... XO
i too feel like i don't like the 'new' me very much! i'm hoping that eventually i'm not moody all the time and that darkness will not bring tears and that i'll be able to forgive, but for now i'm trying to live with this 'new' me and it's not so pleasant.
Big HUGS.
((hugs))
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