Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone (or Happy whatever it is you celebrate!!!).  I hope you all have a blessed holiday with friends and family.

I am choosing to try to have hope this holiday season that 2011 will treat us all better in so many ways.

Allison

Re-draw

Well since Jan never responded I have re-drawn for my give-away!

Mrs. A  you are the new winner - shoot me an e-mail to iamamommy at att dot net and i will get the code to you ASAP!

Prayers needed

Our friends and neighbors are expecting triplets (2 girls and a boy).  She's had a very uneventful pregnancy and was able to work until her school let out for Christmas break last Friday, and on Saturday was 29 weeks, and all 3 babies are measuring over 2.5 lbs.

She was experiencing some cramping earlier today so went to get checked out, she was dilated 1 cm.  They have given the first round of steriod shots.

Last I heard she is dilated to 4 cm and they are life flighting her to the hosptial downtown so she can deliver at Texas Children's.

They are hoping to keep them in a couple of more days, or at least long enough to administer the 2nd dose of steriods.

Please pray for Natalie, Kris and their 3 precious little ones.

totally not where i was going, but.....

I can go minutes, hours, days, even a few weeks....but then it hits me like a ton of fucking bricks..

i have been wondering why i just didnt feel right this week (well really the last couple of weeks).  i have no interest in doing things i enjoy - reading, shopping, spending time with my husband...

i cant sleep at night - i cant tell you when the last time i have gotten to bed before midnight was (and i NEED sleep, i dont function well on little sleep) i am having a hard time concentrating.  while these feelings are no where near the level they were the last 2 months of 2009, im afraid of it getting worse.  i take my anti.depressant everyday like a good girl - maybe i need to up the dose.

but i feel like all i am doing is trying to put a bandage on my broken heart.  i have been putting it off and denying that anythings wrong but i dont think i can much longer.  i think i need to just give up and find another counselor - the last one was really nice but i didnt feel like i ever got anything from our seesions.

im going to confess something that those of you who know me in real life may not want to read.  i think that this is part of why i feel lost and depressed right now.  i not only feel like a failure in my efforts to get pregnant and then get a child here safely, but i never want to have sex with my husband anymore.

i love him with all my heart and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and i feel like i am letting him down in everyway.

it's not that i dont want to, i still want him, im still attracted to him and yes he's a butt sometimes but he still turns me on.... but i freeze up when it comes to the actual love making part.  i just cant bring myself to do it.  we have had sex a total of 2 times this year 2 and its fucking december y'all.  i want to, then i feel guilty when i cant and the times we have i dont enjoy it.  part of it is probably that we had sex about 8 weeks after we lost cady and it hurt, physically painful and i know thats to be expected after all i had just given birth for god's sake (even if it was at 20 weeks i still birthed our daughter) but ever since then, i dont know why.  i hate feeling like this, like i said i feel like a big fat failure in everyway when it comes to being a wife and giving my husband a family.

i know he loves me and he understands but i want to give him that part of me back - hell I WANT THAT PART OF ME BACK 

so how do i get it back............

wow so thats so not where i thought this post was going, but it goes hand in hand.  my depression is getting worse so thats not helping with the intimate part of my relationship.  we aren't going home for christmas so thats not helping me right now either - it will be the first christmas ever that i havent spent with my family.

again like i said i think i need to find another counselor but i have to find the time.....

Giveaway Winner!

So using Random.org i picked the winner..

So Comment # 10 is Jan with this comment

Jan said...


Well I wouldn't normally say this but I WANT TO WIN!!! Never been really lucky at winning anything but I will give it a try.
Hope you have a Great Day!!


Jan e-mail me at iamamommy@att.net and I will send you the code!

Congrats Jan!!

Giveaway Reminder

Don't forget to enter my Giveaway

It's open through tomorrow night and I will try to pick a winner on Tuesday the 7th!

Good Luck!

Days

There are days when I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.  For some reason today was one of those days and yet it is 11 pm and I am still awake.  I do not even know what triggers these days.

And no I am not nor will I ever consider hurting myself, just have days...

Just had to say that to put it out there.......

Giveaway!!

So first off I am a total slacker as I still need to upload the pics from the balloon release we did - I will get around to it eventually.  Soo on to the Giveaway!  I am super excited!

Guess what I get to do?


I get to give away a $35 gift certificate from CSN Stores!!!

SWEET!!!

CSN Stores is comprised of over 200 online stores! You'll get to spend your $35 on anything you choose!
Okay, back to CSN Stores. Well, you'll be able to spend your $35 on cookware, art, holiday decorations, home decor, bathroom furniture, and really just about anything you can think of.
 
I was checking out the bathroom stuff cause I still have not decided what to do with our bathrooms in our house and I fell in love with this shower curtain -- how cute is this!!!!


(CSN Stores ships only to the US and Canada. International shipping charges may apply for Canadian addresses.)

TO ENTER THE GIVEAWAY:

You can get up to 3 entries! Leave a separate comment for each entry! Any and all ways listed are acceptable ways to enter!

Entry 1. Leave a comment telling me you want to win! Just tell me how much you love me!!  HAHA just kidding unless of course you want too :-)

Entry 2. Mention this giveaway on your Twitter page by posting this: Win a $35 Gift Certificate for CSN Stores from @CadyncesMom Visit: http://iamamommy-evenifyousayiamnot.blogspot.com/

Entry 3. Mention this giveaway on your blog - just link back to my blog....


Winner will be selected at random on December 6th!

Just stuff

Well I started my new job on the 1st. They have crazy training, but I should be finished and able to start actually working the 12th or the 15th. But really I would rather have excess training than not enough like at my last job.
I am so excited about this company I am working for now. They have so many benefits and perks (IVF Coverage, EE Discounts on cell phone coverage, and lots more stuff).
My boss is really nice. I was sitting with her yesterday going over some stuff (she was kind of quizzing me to see how I was catching on) and we were talking about stuff and I said something about not wanting to talk badly about my last company since they were so good to me when we lost Cadynce, and we got off on a whole tangent. It turns out she has had recurrent losses. Lost a son in the 2nd trimester with a cerclage, then went on to have a TAC, then got pregnant again with IF treatments, waters broke at 20 weeks and was in the hospital on complete bed rest, at 24 wk 5 days the baby had no AmF left so they did a c-sect. her daughter was in the NICU for 4 months, but it a healthy normal 3 year old now.
I told her about Cady and how we have to do IVF and she was SOOO excited for me when I told her that we were planning on doing IVF again. She told me to absolutely not worry about missing time when we are ready to try again! I can make up being late for appointments and work from home when on bed rest after transfer and everything. Can I just tell you I feel so blessed and KNOW I made the right decision with which job offer I accepted. And I hate (as I know most of you do too!!!) being told everything happens for a reason, but in this instance I totally believe it is true.
2009 and 2010 have been very trying years for me and Chris, he lost his job, we did IVF got pregnant with twins, lost Twin B, Lost Cadynce at 20 weeks, think I kind of lost my mind for a while, FET which turned into a blighted ovum, my grandfather got really sick and had to have ½ of his right lung removed and he is still struggling to get well, FET which resulted in a miscarriage at 7 weeks, lost my job in august. But I feel like things have turned a corner now and 2011 will be a better, no an excellent year. (sorry for that big run-on sentence lol)
And this is really long so I will stop now! Have a great rest of the week!
Oh and I am going to be doing a give-away!!!!!!!!!!!! Just have to take the time to type out the post!

umm

So I was looking at my statistics and it has the "keyword" search thing.  Someone found my blog by searching "han.d, fo.ot, mo.uth f.mla"

wtf dude!!???

Sorry I had to share cause I seriously lol'ed!!!

Job Update & Cady's Bday

It's been a while.  Hope everyone is doing well.

I have been working at a contract HR job for a month now, I really like them there but it's 33 miles from the house and in really, really bad traffic.  I got a job offer at a place that I interviewed at before I was offered the contract position.  It is less than 15 miles from home but less money.  When I told the contract job that I would be leaving, they offered the job to me permanently with a raise.  I called my recruiter to tell her they offered me a full-time position to see if the other one would counter offer (it never hurts to ask right!) and she said that she would check and get back with me.  She called me Tuesday morning - they said YES and offered me 2,000 more a year than my initial offer!!!

We had decided that I would take the closer one just because because it was so much closer, a bigger company and awesome benefits (2 different medical plans - 1 pays up to 80% of IVF and the other pays 100% of a max of 3 IVFs - freaking-a dude!).  It's still less money, but its only 2k less than the job I lost in August so that's awesome!  I start Monday - I'm excited and I hope it will be a great opportunity and the people seemed nice.

It was a hard decision for me because the people at the contract job are really great and nice, but the drive...it takes me 1 hour to work and 1.5 hrs to get home and that SUCKED ASS folks.

I need to post about Cady's birthday, but I have to download the photos and.well...I'm lazy lol.

The day was a lot better than I thought it would be and I handled it a lot better than I thought I would.  We had a snafu with the balloons but I will tell you all about that when I actually post pictures.

.

Dear Universe,

I want my daughter here with me.

This new me - this new reality of my life sucks ass.

I should not be able to sit here and do my homework with no interruptions, I should have about an 8 month old.

You keep screwing me over.

Thanks for that.

That is all.

Luv allison

Remembering

Please stop by and give lots of love and hugs to Lis @ Built-in Birth Control.

She is remembering her girls tomorrow on the anniversary of the day they were born too soon.

Much love to Ayla Joy, Juliet Grace and their Mommy & Daddy.

Al

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Did you light your candle for all the lost babies?  I did for Cadynce and all of your angels as well.

I hope you had a good day of remembrance.

Faces of Loss Faces of Hope

Faces of Loss Faces of Hope

This is a great organization dedicating to helping women through loss.  They are trying to get 2000 faces of loss by 10/15 and still need almost 1000!

Lets help them get their goal.

Insomnia

I feel the insomnia creeping back into my life.  It has just been the last 2-3 months that I have been able to sleep at night, but this week has not be condusive to sleep.  I know that it is because Cadynce's 1st birthday is this Sunday and everytime I close my eyes I am back in that hospital holding my beautiful daughter who was too little to survive.

It has to get better right?  I don't do well on too little sleep.

We are planning on doing a balloon release on Sunday and lighting her candle.  I wanted to plan something bigger but since our familes arent here in Houston there wouldnt really be anyone to come so it will just be Chris and I.  Which is fitting since we were out of state when we lost her and it was just he and I then too.

It helps to know how much he loves me.  It helps more than I will EVER be able to express to him so he will probably never know the full extent.  I love him a little bit more everyday (Well except the days that he pisses me off - I still love him on those days, just not as much)

I am..

going back to school.  I'm nervous.....

11 months

last friday - last friday was the 10th.

You have been gone for 11 months.

We love you.

Bleh

Bleh - that's pretty much how I feel right now.  I'm happy about not working where I was working anymore, but I'm worried about finding another job.  I know that it has only been 3 weeks, but with my unemployment being denied I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried.  We do have money enough for us to be OK for about 3 months, but after that..  Well It's not going to take that long, at least I keep telling myself that anyway.  Maybe I will even start to believe it.  I have a 2nd interview Wednesday for a job so fingers crossed that it goes well.

I realized yesterday that I would be 19 weeks pregnant this week if I had not miscarried in May, that would be almost longer than I was pregnant with Cady.  Both of those ideas are depressing me.  Plus knowing that we are going to have to put off IVF about a year or so, well it's not making me happier.

I have been having a lot of thoughts lately about skipping IVF #2 and going straight to adoption.  I just really don't know if I can deal with the whole process and if it works being pregnant.  I am just not sure that I am emotionally ready for that stress and worry again.  Not that adoption would be stress or worry free I know.

I haven't talked to Chris about it yet, so I do not know what he would think.  Maybe I will talk to him about it soon.

I have also decided to go back on birth control.  It is very unlikely that I would be able to get pregnant naturally, after all I have not been on BCP's since 2004 and there has not even been one maybe I'm pregnant moment other than IVF.  It would be to regulate my cycles and not have my period for 2 weeks.  I started on 8/20 and I am STILL bleeding heavily.  It's really annoying and happens every month.  I will be calling my OB/GYN tomorrow to make an appointment I think.

I had an appt with a new therapist last week but had to cancel it, just cant afford to spend any money other than what is absolutely necessary right now.  I will make another one once I have a job, I think that it is really important to me especially as Cady's 1st birthday is quickly approaching.

This has been a very disjointed and if you have read this whole thing - I love you lol

Have a good Tuesday.

Day of Hope

August 19th Day of Hope

Guys

I want to thank whomever submitted me to LFCA that was incredibly nice of you!  And thanks for all the wonderful supportive comments from each and every one of you, they mean the world to me.

I want to ask that those of you who pray, pray really hard for me today.  I have an interview for a position that would be perfect, and I want to get it!

So all appendages crossed and lots of happy poositive thoughts!

Al

I feel

I feel like a failure.

I am a failure and carrying, nourshing and bringing my child into this world safely.

I am a failure at getting pregnant - something that should just be my RIGHT as a woman.

I am a failure at keeping a job as well evidently. 

I learned my lesson and will not work for a small company ever again if I can help it.  I thought when I took the job that it would be a good thing, small family owned, that they would be a good place to work.  But they are not subject to all those pesky laws regarding medical treatments and procedures not being allowed to be used against you.  Anyway, don't want to bitch about that too much don't want anyone to find out about this blog that I used to work with. 

I have the weirdest feeling over the last week.  While I am freaking out about the not having a job thing, I am happier than I have been in a really long time.  Not having to go to a place every day that makes me miserable has helped my depression so much!  Just keeping my fingers crossed that it won't take me that long to find something else.  Really really hoping.  Chris says he's not worried so I am trying to keep a positive attitude, I've never had a problem finding a job before so - here's hoping that continues!

Hope everyone has a good week.

2010 continues...

Well 2010 continues to suck complete and total ass.  As of 2:30 last Friday I became unemployed.

We are soooo screwed.  Waiting to see if I get unemployment or have to fight for it.  I'm so pissed off and terrified right now.  Plus it means we will have to put IVF off even longer.  I think that upsets me more than not having a job.

So now just frantically searching for a new job.

Lifes a bitch and it never gets better.

ABC's of Me

Cause I am  bored!

A- My AIR CONDITIONER is set on: 75, but auto sets to 73 at night

B- My BEDROOM theme is: brown, cream & gold
C- The CAR in the driveway is: Toyota 4Runner & Ford F-150 Super Crew Texas Edition
D- My DESK looks: like a pile of papers exploded at the moment lol
E- The EXACT time I wake up daily is: during the week about 5:30 on the weekends whenever I want but usually about 7:30
F- The FIRST thing I wash in the shower is: i brush my teeth very first thing. in the shower i wash my face
G- My GARAGE is filled with: my car in one bay in the other - trash can and a stupid 4wheeler
H- My HOUSE is: a work in progress
I- If you peeked INSIDE my bedroom you'd see: an unmade made and probably a Wylie Dog sitting on the bed trying to look out the window on Chris's side
J- My favorite JUICE is: OJ
K- The best part of my KITCHEN is: My ice tea maker lol :-)  I don't cook so boo to the kitchen
L- The LAST person who visited my home was: my mom when she came down to watch the dogs for us last month
M- The last piece of MAIL for me was: A refund check from Women's & Children's in lake Charles.  Evidently we overpaid my hospital say.  I really would rather have been refunded my baby girl
N- My NEIGHBORS think: i don't know - probably that I am anti-social
O- If you OPENED my fridge you'd see: not much we need to grocery shopping
P- My last house PARTY was: we had some friends over for a birthday in June
Q- A QUICK meal I like to fix is: breakfast for dinner!!!!  i make awesome scrambled eggs lol (that contradicts my not cooking statement from above, but it's one of like 3 things i will willingly cook lol)
R- My favorite ROOM of the house is: my game room (yes i said "my" Chris stays in the living room)
S- The SHAMPOO brand I use is: right now i am using suave
T- My largest TELEVISION is: we have 4 (yes only 2 ppl live in my house) Chris has a 52 inch projection and i have a umm 46 or 48 flat screen that was my birthday present
U- UNDER my bed you will find: carpet and sometimes a Mollee dog
V- The last time I VACUUMED was: hahahahahahahahahaha
W- Looking out my WINDOW I see: depends on which window.  in the front of the house i see the houses across the street, out the back i see our backyard, houses behind us and barker cypress
X- I wish I had extra: money.  really just wish i would get enough to pay off our debts - i mean i would take more but at least that much!
Y- My YARD is: not my domain Chris does all of that and he does an excellent job!
Z- ZZZZZZZ My bedtime is: usually not before 11 these days.  since losing Cadynce i cant sleep (i dread it) because i have bad dreams a lot
 
Wow that ended on a depressing note :-(
 
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!
 
Oh, I made an appointment with another therapist.  I really liked the lady I was seeing, but her office hours were incompatible with my work schedule, and since we are coming up on our busy season it was going to be just not workable for me.  Which makes me sad, but hopefully I will like this new one too.

Yesterday

Thanks for all your kind comments yesterday.  Sometimes it just all catches up with me and I can't breathe, and I don't want Chris to worry about me so I just need to say it to someone.  Today is better.

I'm nervous about my appointments today.  I have been researching a few things and I am going to ask for a few more tests.  Probably superfluous but I want to be sure we know EVERYTHING going into IVF #2.

Does anyone know anything about adrenal fatigue.  My aunt has this book called "Stop the Thyroid Madness" and it goes into how doctors don't test for it, and I have all the symptoms.  I know, I know... that doesn't mean I have it, but it won't hurt to test for it right?

Anyway, I will update on both dr's appointments later or tomorrow.  Have a great Wednesday.

I'm not ok

Work, doctors, life.  I'm not ok.  I feel like I can't catch a break no matter what I do.

Mostly work right now I guess.

It just has to get better.  I do not know how much more I can handle.

It's just too much right now

Dr's Appts

I have made appointments with my OB (Dr. A) and my RE (Dr. H) for August 8th.  I want to discuss with both of them what our plan(s) will be for 2011.  With Dr. A - Cerclage, bed rest, etc.  With Dr. H - protocol, any testing that can be done between now and then.  Here are the questions that I have so far.  I am putting this out to you guys because so many of you have similar situations and might think of things that I wouldn't.  If you guys have any ideas for other things I need to ask I would greatly appreciate any input!

Questions for Dr. A:

1. Exactly how far along will I need to be when we place the cerclage?
2. How long will I be in the hospital or on bed rest immediately following the placement of the cerclage?
3. What type of cerclage do you normally place?  And if it is one that can be left in do you allow that and then perform a c-section?
4. When do you typically see patients w/IC going out on bed rest (how early and how long)?
5. How often will I be seen by OB?
6. Will I need to see any other specialist (i.e. MFM or peri)?
7. When will cervical measurements start and how often will they be done?  Will they be manual and U/S?
8. Will you prescribe P17 shots starting in the 2nd trimester to help prevent PTL?
9. Would I need to be on Heparin or Lovenox for the whole pregnancy due to the MTHFR?
10. A week prior to last miscarriage I had a pretty bad fall, could that have contributed to that loss?
11. Chris is A+ and I am A- so could that Rh be a factor in the miscarriages since losing Cadynce?

Questions for Dr. H:

1. If Dr. A places a cerclage that can be left in, can you do further treatment (once we get a RLB here) with it in place?
2. Since we are doing another fresh cycle - would we do it the same as the last or would we change anything?  If so, what would be different?
3. What can I do between now and January/February that could help to increase our success rate?  (i.e. vitamins, supplements etc.)
4. Are there any other tests that we could run to be sure that I have no other issues we may not have tested for yet? (i.e. Lupus, Vit D deficiency)
5. A week prior to last miscarriage I had a pretty bad fall, could that have contributed to that loss?
6. Chris is A+ and I am A- so could that Rh be a factor in the miscarriages since losing Cadynce?

I am doing pretty good this week so far.  :-)  I am going home this weekend since it is Pappy's birthday - he is going to be 78, and since he was in the hospital for 2 months with the whole lung issue I really feel that I need to go see him.  I was there in April for my cousin's wedding, but didn't get to spend much time visiting since you know wedding!  I hate that trip from Houston by myself though!  OK I hate that trip whether I am by myself or not (I don't like being trapped in the car that long).  I love going home to visit my grandparents though so it will be worth it.  Chris will be staying home with the fur babies.  He said they are going to party - ha that really made me laugh!

I'm not writing a lot because I really feel like I don't have that much to say since we are on a break and can't start IVF again until 2011.  But I am definitely reading everyones blogs and trying to comment.

Hope you are all well.. XOXOXO

God wants you to know

There's this app on Facebook called "God wants you to know" that is basically a message telling you something everyday.  It could have something to do with people around you, life in general, keeping hope alive, etc..  Well you get the point.  So I checked mine today and this is what I received.  May I just say OMFG!  So totally, well just totally.  I just started bawling....

Numb

Lyrcs that have been going through my head a lot lately.  I highlighted the specific words.

Comfortably Numb
by Pink Floyd

Hello?

Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.  Is there anyone home?
Come on, Come on, Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.  Well, I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.  Relax.
I'll need some information first.  Just the basic facts.
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a FEVER My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand.  This is not how I am.

I have become comfortably numb.
(solo)
I have become comfortably numb.

O.K.
Just a little pin prick.
There'll be no more aaaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
but I have become comfortably numb.

Perfectly Numb
by Popium
 
These troubled days just go on, on and on

I'm losing sleep and I sink like a stone
Wanna call the Maker on the phone
Ask him where the magic has all gone
And the sound of the drum leaves me perfectly numb
See the cannonball fly through the hole in the sky
And the sound of the drum leaves me perfectly numb
See the cannonball fly through the hole in the sky
And I'm leaving for good
Oh, this time I am leaving for good
This time is the right time, I'd stay if I could
And the sound of the drum leaves me perfectly numb
These troubled days just go on, on and on
Seems like a waste just to try to be strong
All this melancholy wears me down
A sentimental breakdown is coming around
And the sound of the drum leaves me perfectly numb
See the cannonball fly through the hole in the sky
And the sound of the drum leaves me perfectly numb
See the cannonball fly through the hole in the sky
And I'm leaving for good
Oh, this time I am leaving for good
This time is the right time, I'd stay if I could
And the sound of the drum leaves me perfectly numb
Yeah, the sound of the drum leaves me perfectly numb
Oh, the sound of the drum leaves me perfectly numb

Yeah so.

*Sorry if this is scattered and disjointed, I have been trying to type it out for a couple of days.

I've been really cranky the last couple of weeks.  I'm really not sure why.  I guess it's the feeling of sitting still.  Of not going anywhere.  Of not being able to move forward.  Of not being able to fulfill the main dream I have always had for my life.  Having children.

Chris keeps telling me it will happen don't give up, if we can't have a bio child then we will definitely adopt, but I'm just frustrated.  Frustrated at my body for being infertile.  Frustrated at my body for sucking ass when it comes to staying pregnant.  I'm trying really hard to not be but it definitely sneaks it when I am least expecting it.

I guess it has been bothering me more lately because Chris is having a really hard time all of the sudden.  I think that everything just caught up with him all of the sudden. Losing Cady and the 2 miscarriages since then.  He is a man after all an hasn't really dealt with his grief as well as I have, he has just mostly put it off to the side and ignored it.  But it's coming back on him now by making him physically not feel well and have panic attacks.  I am proud of him though after talking to me about what the hell is happening to him I told him that he should go see someone to talk about it all, and he listened.  He is going to start seeing a therapist - his 1st appointment is tomorrow.  I really hope it helps him.  It's so hard seeing him having a hard time with it all because he has been so strong and supportive for me.  He's always the strong one who can seem to handle anything and seeing him not deal with everything well -- well let's just say it hurts me to see him hurting.

I am just ready for it to be January.  So 2010 hurry up and be over because you suck!

Wordless Wednesday - 7/14/2010

Love

Photo Credit - The WR

So, OK not totally wordless :-)

Just wanted to say hi to everyone.  I am around and reading, but not commenting a lot.  I feel like I am in a really weird place right now.  Mostly sad a lot - Saturday was 9 months, only 3 months months until she's been gone a year.  So yeah the closer it gets the worse I seem to be dealing with it.  There are a few reasons for that I guess - 1) A couple we know just had a baby 2) Another couple we know are pregnant 3) DAMN IT ALL TO HELL I SHOULD BE PREGNANT AGAIN BY NOW FOR GOD'S SAKE!!

I want to be happy for #1 and #2 but it's soooo hard for me - I just feel bitter and angry because what did I ever do to deserve this and I am a good person don't I deserve to have a living breathing child of my own.

Oh well - it is what it is.  At least I have my wonderful husband who loves me more than I deserve.  He's the best.

Wordless Wednesday - 7/7/2010

photo credit - kiss.me.im.irish

The Versatile Blogger

For this award, here’s what to do:


1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
2. Tell 7 things about yourself that readers may not know.
3. Pay it forward by nominating 10 bloggers you’ve recently discovered.

Thank you S at Misconceptions About Conception.  It was really sweet of you.  :-)

Let's see...7 things you may not know about me:

1 - I'm super shy.  Like I don't even like to meet new people.  Of course once I am around you a couple of times I am good.  People have told me that when they meet me they think "Wow does she ever talk" which turns into "Wow does she ever shut up"  LOL

2 - I was raised by my grandparents (went back and forth between my maternal GP's to the paternal GP's)  My Mammy (my paternal g-ma) is my best friend.  You know that person who you have to tell everything to...that's her.  Of course Chris is next.

3 - I was engaged when I was 17.  I didn't take the full-scholarship I got because I was in love and getting married.  And I'm an idiot.  Thank God we both came to our senses, I would be miserable if I was still stuck in the hick town I grew up in.

4 - My mom is bi-polar and used to never take her meds on a regular basis.  Seeing her erratic behavior growing up convinced me that if I ever felt "off" in anyway I was getting help and taking my meds, if needed, because I didn't want to be anything like that and put others through what I was put through and exposed to.

5 - I don't have a lot of girl friends because I don't trust girls easily.  As a breed girls are manipulative and bitchy - LOL - myself included.  Most of us grow out of this, but not all of us.  And I have been burned too many times.  While this is what it is, it makes me sad sometimes.

6 - I can't eat anything that is still on the bone.  Fried chicken, ribs, etc.  just thinking about it makes me want to vomit.  That is just too much of a reminder that what I am eating used to be alive.  Along those same lines I can't touch raw meat....1 - i hate getting my hands dirty and 2 - just EWWWWW!!!!!!!

7 - I am a complete and utter book worm and TV Nerd.  I will read any book you give me (at least once, books i like I will read over and over) Nora Roberts is my all time favorite author.  I have 4 books cases stuffed full of books (i got rid of about 200 books last yr and all my bookcases are still full!) in our bedroom and 1 is completely full of her books.  And I DVR way too many shows.  but I seem to really like supernatural ones...vampires, witches, etc....... I am a nerd and I am proud of it.

Spreading the Love...the Bloggers I am nominating are:

Lis @ built-in birth control
Tillie @ a nuttier life
Holly @ Ready to be a Mom
Kathi @ Butterflies & Kittens
Courtney @ The Peeks
Becca @ Liberal Granola Girl's Blog
Margaret @ She's Come Undone
Britt @ Peace B.E.G.A.N

Wordless Wednesday - 6/30/2010

despair

Father's Day

Father's Day was much harder for me than Mother's Day.  I've already grieved for all the things that I will never get to do with Cady (well I grieve them everyday).  And while I have grieved for all the things that Chris will never get to to with her or for her.  It really hit me hard on Sunday.  I cried a lot, but Chris was so supportive - he's awesome and I love him more each day.

I've been trying to write this post since Sunday, blah......  So I give up ha.

I'm better now - I realized why I have been so incredibly moody the last week or so.  I hadn't taken my Zoloft in almost 3 weeks.  Now before I get a lecture from anyone :-p it wasn't on purpose.  I had a routine that I took all my meds at nite when I took my prenatal well I stopped taking my prenatal after this last miscarriage because well I figured what was the point, but decided this weekend to that I really should start taking it again to keep all the vitamins in my system.  That's when I realized.  I'm a moron ha.....

I'm taking the zoloft again since Monday - life is much better again.

:-)  Happy Wednesday!

Oh this is my 100th post wow I can't believe that I have had enough to say for 100 posts lol.

Hurts

Yesterday I was in a good mood.  Honestly I can say it was the best I have felt, the happiest I have been since October 9, 2009 (the last day I was a blissfully happy pregnant woman).  It made me hopeful there would be many more of those days.

Today not so much.  I hurt, I can't breathe and I just want to cry.  I really wish I wasn't at work so I could indulge in the tears, but life goes on so I am trying to suck it up for now.

I know I will have more happy days, I have to believe that because I really don't know how I would go on if I didn't think that there would be more of those days around the corner.  It just seems like the corner just keeps getting farther and farther away instead of closer for each step I take.

I know that I will never be the person I was before October 9th when they told me I was fully dilated and there was nothing they could do to stop the labor, and October 10th when I gave birth to our beautiful daughter too early.  But I want just a portion of that me back, even just a teeny tiny portion.  At this point I would take anything.

I don't like being negative, I used to be a pretty positive person.  I miss that me.  I am trying to adjust to the new me, but I don't like her very much.  Just have to keep trying I guess since this is me now.  The cranky weepy person I have become.

Deep breath, just keep trying.

Mother's Grief

Mother's Grief

It matures you, they said

It matures you, they say

Wasn't I mature enough before?

Was I really that bad?

Was I one of the worst?

How come God chose me?

Bereavement and Growth

by Marion Cohen

UNITE Notes, fall 1981, Vol. 1, no. 1

UNITE, Inc.

Today is 8 months since we said hello, we love you and good-bye we love.  All within a span of 5 minutes.  I miss you a little bit more each day.  I think about you each day.  I remember the good things - when we found out about you, when we saw you moving on each ultrasound, how stubborn you were when you refused to let the U/S tech even catch a glimpse when we were trying to see if you were a girl or a boy, each time I saw and heard your heartbeat, the first time I felt you kick me.  I wish that we could have had lots more good memories.  I think about the last time I heard your heartbeat.  I think about how I knew you were coming when I had the urge to push but I fought it because it was too early for you to be born and I knew that we were going to have to say good-bye.

There are days when I don't think I can go on, then there are days when it seems like I am doing so much better.  I honestly don't know which ones are worse.  Sometimes I think it is the days when I am doing better because it feels like I am being disloyal to you and forgetting about you (even though I know I never could or will). 

I miss you.

Your daddy misses you.

We love you Cadynce

Clarification

Ms. J pointed out something in her comment on my last post, and she is absolutely correct.  When I said children of my own, I meant biological children, being able to carry and give birth to them.

I already know that if and when we do decide to go ahead and adopt that child or children will be ours, I will love them exactly the same as if I had been the one to give birth to them.  DNA does not matter at all once that child is in your arms and heart.

I truly hope that I did not offend or hurt any adoptive parents or adoptees.

Thank you Ms. J for pointing out my error in the way I phrased it!  :-)

Not sure

I've been trying to write a post for a couple of days, but really I don't know that I have much to say right now. 

I'm not really angry anymore about not being able to do a fresh cycle of IVF until after the 1st of the year, just disappointed.  I'm trying to be positive about it.  Going to start working out again and try to lose a little weight maybe.  We shall see how that goes.

I'm just not sure where we go from here.  I know that we will try at least one more time in 2011, but I'm tired.

• I'm tired of getting my hopes up
• I'm tired of losing what I was hoping for
• I'm tired of seeing other people get what I want
• I'm tired of seeing other people get what I want when they either don't want it or don't deserve it
• I'm tired of finishing last
• I'm tired of hurting
• I'm tired of crying
• I'm tired of not being able to give my husband a child, when I know he would be an excellent father
• I'm tired of people asking me if I have children
• I'm tired of having to say "Yes, but my daughter died" (I know this is a fact and will never change but well you know)
• I'm tired of being angry
• I'm tired of being me
• I'm tired of the world, my life everything getting in the way, it makes me feel like someone out there doesn't think I should be a mother to a living child.
• I'm tired of being the one that bad things happen to (I should be used to this it's been this way my whole life)

I really just am at a loss knowing what it is I need and/or want anymore.  Chris has always been very anti-adoption but we talked about it again last week and he just really didn't understand it.  So now he is open to adopting.  We are looking into adoption agencies.  But I am even not sure when I want to go forward.  I don't know if I am ready to let go of my dream of having my own child(ren) yet.  It hurts me to think about it.  All my life I have only ever known one thing - that I want to be a mother - I guess I just never thought it would be this hard (and I know we all feel that way). 

Does anyone have any advice on what to look for when choosing an adoption agency (it's really overwhelming!)

I keep trying to tell myself stay positive, but it's getting very difficult for me to do.

Angry

I am very very angry today.  Because of the FET's I have no PTO time left so was just going to take unpaid time to do our IVF in August.

Well work has decided to amend the PTO policy (not that there really as one to begin with) everytime you take a day off and dont have PTO time to use you will get written up and if you get more than 3 instances you can be fired.

I am so pissed off.  This means we will have to wait until next year sometime so I have over 40 hours of time accured to do IVF #2.  I wanted to get this started and over with so that if it doesnt work we can get serious about adoption.

I am so fucking angry....I haven't been this angry and lost in a really long time.

I am beginning to think that we arent meant to have children of our own as everything in my life - losing Cady, 2 miscarriages and now not being able to cycle when I want - is getting in the way.

Hi guys

Hi everyone.  The last week has been a very emotionally difficult week for me (as I know you can understand) so I have been avoiding everything.

But I'm doing a lot better.  Testing once a week until beta drops back down to 0.  Then we will be back on the IVF train.  Not sure what my protocol will be with this IVF but we had excellent response with our fresh cycle last June so I figure it won't be much different.  I am figuring on starting the whole process in July hopefully with BCPs and depending on if Dr H wants us to do another hysteroscopy could mean retrieval in August - at least that's what I am hoping.

waiting on V (nurse from dr h's) to call me to let me know how much beta dropped from last week (it was over 5K) hopefully it will go down quickly.  I really dont want to hang around on this shitty merry go round too long.

I would really like it if you guys would go give Lis some support she just had a negative beta with her IVF after losing her beautiful twins in October.  She is now contemplating her next steps. Hugs Lis.

Thanks for all your support and wonderful comments over the last week.  they all meant a lot to me.

XoXo - Al

Miscarriage

Well the bleeding didn't get any better and the clots got bigger.  Went back to RE at 1:30.  Uterus was empty.  I had a miscarriage.

Thanks for all your good thoughts and prayers.

well

I went last Wednesday for our first ultrasound.  There was one sac, but it was too soon to see anything.

Went this morning and we saw an embryo with a heartbeat.  But when the nurse took the wand out there was blood.  I'm still bleeding and cramping, and passed a clot earlier.

I am going to go back this afternoon to see the doctor (he's only at this location in the afternoons so I usually just see the nurse).

I'm scared.  I don't know how much more I can take to be honest.

Keeping my fingers crossed and praying that everything is ok.  All I can do is hope.

Sad news

Guys,
Please take a moment to stop by and give your support to Brooke.  She lost her son at 16 weeks due to premature rupture of her water earlier this week.  We all know that the smallest I'm sorry, or thinking about you - even from a complete stranger can be uplifting when you are first coping with a loss.

Thanks,
Allison

Rough Day

I am having a rough day today.  Not sure why.  I got a good night's sleep last night (and trust me those have been very rare in the last 7 + months), woke up in a good mood, but now while I still feel like I am in a good mood, I 'm very weepy.

I was trying to clean out my reader (yes I'm at work, but I'm working too sshhhhh) and I just wanted to start crying.  Not that anyone wrote anything that was sad (or any sadder than normal) but everything I read just made me want to cry.

I suppose it's a combo of all the hormones that get pumped into you when you do IVF - I mean really think about what all I'm adding to my body, plus with rising HCG levels (1376 yesterday!) and being scared and hopeful it's no wonder I'm weepy, but it's annoying!!

I go back to the RE tomorrow for more BW and our first U/S we will be able to see how many sacs we have, don't know if we will be able to see anything other than that.  I'm really scared after what happened with the FET in Dec, when we had our first U/S in January there was a sac, but as you know it was empty.  I think my numbers are so much better this time so I am hoping that tomorrow is a good day.

So I just want to be happy today - no more weepy - easier said than done....

Have a great Tuesday (is it Friday yet?)

Marvelous Monday 5/17/2010

Please join me in Marvelous Mondays.  This was created my Rachel @ Three Butterflies and a Monkey to remember that even through our sadness and despair there is always something good in our lives.

Today my Marvelous Monday is simply the fact that for today I am pregnant with our rainbow.  I have hope now that we will get through the despair and come out the other side.  We will never forget our loss and never ever forget our firstborn Cadynce, but we will be happy again.

1st Beta

Had my first beta today. 481.  so that's good.  But my progesterone is 13 which is lower than my RE wants it to be so on top of the PIO I have to have shot into my ass everyday I get to start using Crinone twice a day.

Can I just say if you have never used it -- yuck -- it's disgusting.....but I will do whatever it takes.

I am also going to talk to the RE on Monday when I go back about my PIO.  When we did the IVF last year that resulted in us being pregnant with Cadynce I was on PIO, but it was in Ethyl Olelate, with the FET in Dec and this one it is in Sesame Oil so I really wonder if that might be affect the way my body absorbs it.  Especially since I had absolutely no issues with my progesterone in that pregnancy.  We shall see what they say and what my tests say Monday.

Hope you all have a great weekend.

Word Cloud

Check out my word cloud on wordle.net.  its kind of neat.  I find it very telling that Wish is the biggest!

My Word Cloud

**UPDATED - you will need to click on the words My Word Cloud - I couldnt get the html code to work to just show it on my page... :-(

Mothers Day

Happy Mothers day (I know I am a day late, but Happy day anyway).  We are mother's even if no one wants to acknowledge it.  That's kind of frustrating to me, but I guess I need to get used to it.

I had a pretty good day.  Chris took me to the outlet mall and I got a new Coach purse and wallet, he loves me :-).

Beta is Friday, I'm nervous.  I know my beta will be positive, after all I have taken 4 tests.  I am a dork I admit it - lol.

I'm nervous about when I have my first U/S, just gotta pray that we have growth and development.  I'm not sure how much more I can take.

So..

So I got this today ..

Now I'm nervous

FET Update

Well I went last Friday (4/23) to be scanned and have blood drawn.  My lining is perfect now, not too thick YAY!!!!!  Of course it helped that I had my period - icky lol.  And my blood work came back good, so I don't have to go back for monitoring again.  And FET is for sure FRIDAY 4/30.  That's this Friday folks, I very well could be knocked up this time next week!

I have hope - that both our embabies will survive the thaw (we lost 2 when we did the FET in December, transferred 2 so we only have 2 left)

I have hope - that this FET will work and we will be pregnant.

I have hope - that the cerclage will work and I will be able to sustain a pregnancy to full-term and bring home our rainbow baby

I have hope - that we will all get our Happy ending.

Please pray that our embabies survive to be transferred and at least one implants.

Have a wonderful Wednesday and I will keep you updated.

WISH LIST FOR BEREAVED PARENTS

I wanted to share this with you all.  I saw it on Four of a Kind

WISH LIST FOR BEREAVED PARENTS

(Some people attribute this to having come from the "Compassionate Friends" orgnanization and others to a woman named Jenny Coffey, who is listed on Pregnancy.org as being the author --> http://www.pregnancy.org/article/wish-list-bereaved-parent)

I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back.

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you also.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears.

You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing her pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me.

I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too.

I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card, note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in a short period of time. I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over.

I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. Grief is a life long process.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover.

I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that she is dead.

I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy".

Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

I don't want to have a "pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal.

Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand my loss and grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT...I pray daily that you will never understand.

Rough Week & FET Update

This last week was extremely difficult for me to get through. I have been super emotional (ranging from weeping, to being happy, to yelling at people for no reason - I mean at the time I started yelling there was a reason, but after I got done it was a stupid reason lol).

April 10th was 6 months since Cadynce has been gone. I can't believe it's been that long; it seems like yesterday and a million years ago all at the same time. It's been the fastest and the slowest 6 months ever. I miss her more each day it seems.

I don't know if I have mentioned it or not, but my grandfather (Pappy) has been sick since November. The doctors at first thought he had cancer, but a broncoscopy and biopsy showed no cancer cells, and he was diagnosed with Organizing Pneumonia. He has been on steroids since late December early January and it seemed like they were helping. Monday he was running a fever, coughing and in quite a bit of pain so he went in to his lung specialist early and they did an x-ray which showed that instead of getting better the pneumonia appeared to have doubled. The actual lung specialist was out of town so the PA said that he had 2 options (1-go into hospital and get IV antibiotics or 2-go home and start oral antibiotics) and he, being a stubborn man said he wasn't going to the hospital so home he went.

He woke up Tuesday in so much pain and coughing so much he could not get comfortable no matter what he tried so they called 911 and had an ambulance take him to ER. He was admitted and they started running more tests (CTScan, MRI, not sure what all else). The lunch specialist was back in town at this point and said that while he definitely had pneumonia, and had fluid on his lungs because of it, but he thought something else was going on (so we were back to cancer at this point) and wanted to do another bronoscopy and biopsy.

He went into surgery Wednesday and they started by removing the fluid and doing a broncoscopy, but they still couldn’t see everything they needed to see so they decided to open him up. Turns out he had a HUGE abscess on the lower lobe of his right lung that was teeming with infection, and it was basically destroyed. They had to remove the 1/2 of his right lung that was destroyed by the infection, but thank god they found no evidence of cancer. They are still sending the part that was removed for testing just to confirm. We very well could have lost him if my grandmother hadn't made him go to the hospital on Tuesday, which I don't even like to think about. He is still in ICU, until a private room becomes available, but seems to be doing much better. He's already back to his smart-ass self so that’s a good sign!!! Needless to say the past week has been fraught with worry.

So, anyway ---- on the FET front:

Had Lupron shot on 4/9 – it wasn’t too bad and I really didn’t have any side effects that I noticed (chris said i was bitchy which maybe I was I dunno lol), but I started my period on Wednesday which I wasn’t expecting yay, but it only lasted til Sunday so it wasn’t too bad.

Went in 4/16 for monitoring, ovaries looked good and suppressed, but the nurse said my lining was a little thick – has anyone ever been told their lining was too thick? I’m worried that it might interfere with the transfer and we will have to postpone.

Will go back this Friday 4/23 for more BW and another US so hopefully lining will be good not too thick. So we can do a transfer 4/30.

I am very positive about this FET, whereas for the last one in December I was really, really nervous and scared. Plus it is in between mine and Chris’s birthdays. Mines this Saturday the 24th (I’m going to be 32 ughhhh, how did I get so old?????) and chris’s is 5/8 (he will be 33). So we are both taking that as a good sign LOL.

Hope everyone is having a great week!!!

Hey Helps

I'm technically challenged.  I want to add a widget so that my buttons from blogs I follow scroll.  Can anyone help me?

I'm dumb I admit it LOL

If you can I will loves your forever and ever and evers!!!!!

Well..FET

So we are in the process of having our next FET.  Well you know that process with all the fun meds. 

• CD1 was 3/31. 
• Started BCP's 4/1, for 12 days
• Will go to RE's on 4/9 for Lupron Shot (help me out here, we didnt do this last time, what kind of side effects can I expect?)
• 4/16 go in for monitoring
• not sure exactly when I will start estrace, vivelle progesterone.  I have to ask when I go in on friday.
• FET is scheduled for 4/30.

We only have 2 embryos left, so I am a little afraid that they wont survive the thaw but I am trying to be positive about it.

Chris was terrified about the one we did in December and we all know how that turned out, but he says he is excited about this one and has a good feeling.  So I am trying to take that as this will be the one.

Now my next issue - Cerclage, anyone out there who has had one, coud you give me some guidance.  Which one do you think is best, and when did you have to go out of work on Bedrest.  I am hoping that I wont have to be on bedrest until later in pregnancy (there's my hope) but really want to know what to expect.  I can't seem to convince Chris that me being out for a long time is a possibility.

So if you can help answer any of those e-mail me at iamamommy @ att dot net

Thanks and LOTZA hugs

What Makes a Mother

I wanted to share this with you all.

Just Blah

Hey there everyone. I haven't been around this week just because I haven't really had anything to say. I've been reading and commenting some, but I feel like I am out of words right now. I reached a point last week where it just seemed like I was saying the same thing all the time. I'm sad, I'm mad blah blah so I was bored with myself so I didn't want to make you suffer from my boredom as well. I am doing okay just so you know.


Well let's have a rundown of the last couple of weeks since I haven't really posted much.
3/12- Hysteroscopy, went well found some scar tissue, which the Dr. H removed. YAY Dr. H we love him :-). I have been on estrace for 2 weeks and started provera on Tuesday to bring on a cycle. Speaking of which does anyone know how long it typically takes to start once you take your last provera pill? He has me taking it for 5 days so I take my last one tomorrow. I admit it -- Dudes I'm impatient, I just want to get this FET show on the road. Once I start I'll do BCP's for 2 weeks I guess to suppress, suppose I'll actually know how long once I start and go in for baseline BW and US. Then FET -- Like I said IMPATIENT!!! I just want to have it done and know one way or the other. This Limbo shit sucks just FYI lol

Then last Saturday, I met and had lunch with a fellow BLM (E @ Cotton Socks). We met at Panera around 11:30. It was a sucktastic day rainy and icky, my drive there sucked! So anyway, we ate and were just sitting there talking. It rained pretty much the whole time we were there and just kept getting colder (we know this because we were close to a door and every time it opened I swear it was colder than the time before). It was really nice to be able to sit and talk about her Gabe and my Cady with someone who really understands where you are coming from and doesn't just try to say things that they THINK will make you feel better. So we were just talking and all and I was like what time is it -- IT WAS 3:55 -- we had been sitting there talking for 4 HOURS. For some folks I guess that might not be a shock, but for me it is since I can be pretty shy sometimes. It was nice getting to know her and hope we keep in touch and are able to get together again sometime.

One thing that we talked about was how our sense of humors sometimes offends people. My story was that when my boss brought her daughter up to the office for the first time it was during some peoples lunch times. Well my co-worker walked in from lunch and I said -- You missed the baby -- and she said -- What baby? -- and I said -- Well Not my baby -- She just looked at me like OMG how the hell do I respond to what this crazy person just said -- I just laughed because it was kind of like I can't believe I just said that myself. So I am a little darker than I used to be deal with it people deal with it -- my baby died I think I have a right to be dark Allison from time to time.

So the boss lady is actually only working 1/2 days a couple of days a week in the office, due to a new client and having a very short time frame to implement them. Which I think will be better for me, so I can adjust more easily. Monday I just ignored everyone and stayed in my cubicle. Tuesday I went into her office to talk to her about some things and the baby was in there and I actually did ok. I just kind of ignored her. I think once she gets past the newborn stage it will be easier on me. Thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers this week. It hasn't been as bad as I was afraid it would.

Shutting down

I've noticed something about myself in the last week or so.  I guess I've really known I was doing it for a while, but it's become more obvious to others which has, of course, in turn brought it more so to my attention.

Everytime someone mentions a newborn, infant or toddler I just kind of shut down.  I look down and give off a vibe of "I don't want to be in this conversation anymore".

I don't like that I am doing this, but I don't know how to stop.  It hurts my heart too much when I hear people talking about their or others babies.  I guess I'm probably not alone in doing this, but wish I could stop.

Next week my boss is coming back to work part-time for 4 wks, then will be back to full time.  She will be bringing her BABY (you know the one born in January, the one due 5 weeks before Cadynce was due) until she is 6 months old.  Can I just tell you that I am terrified of how I will handle this.  I seriously had the thought yesterday that I should quit my job so I don't have to be around the baby.  And I can tell you that is soooo not me. 

So if I could ask for prayers for strength next week as I get used to being around a baby that is just a few weeks older than our daughter should be, well that would be awesome.  I'm scared of what I will do and how I will handle it.  Everyone keeps telling me that I am strong and I will make it through it, but I'm really not sure about this.

I hope that it will be better than I think it will, but we shall see.

I hope that you guys are having a good week this week.

Marvelous Mondays - 3/15/10

Join Rachel in marvelous Monday's...




My attempt to look on the positive side of things today is that my hysteroscopy on Friday didn't find anything, other than some scar tissue, wrong with the structure of my ute.  Which I expected because the last one was the same, but it's still nice to know.

And having faith that we will have a good outcome on our next FET in April.

It's been a rough couple of weeks, but I am still trying.

Leaving Comments

Debby @ For Your Tears said that she wasn't able to leave me a comment on my last post.  Thanks for letting me know Debby!

I think I have fixed it but if not please let me know guys!

Checking in

Just checking in -- Letting you all know that I am still alive out there in Interez world.  I have been sick for over a week, started out with a cold that quickly turned into bronchitis and I have not felt like doing anything.  I have been reading but not commenting much and I haven't felt like posting.

Everything other than that is ok.

Went in for a hysteroscopy yesterday (Friday).  Everything looks good.  There was scar tissue at the top of my uterus and DrH said it was either from Cadynce Pregnancy or the last one with the blighted ovum.  He removed it all so I am in moderate pain and bleeding of course(yes on top of congestion and not being able to breathe -- it's awesome!!).

I was taking BCP for 14 days to force a cycle but now I have to take estradiol 3x daily for 2 weeks, on the 10th day start taking provera for 5 days (i've never taken this so a bit nervous) he says it's to help everything heal over better and then the provera to start a cycle.  then i will start the bcps again and then hopefully do an FET.

I think i forgot to post that I got the results back from my repeat loss blood panel.  everythings normal no chromosomal issues.  I have MTHFR but other than that normal.  I didnt ask what specific kind but will try to remember to next time I go in.

I am taking extra folic acid and a baby asprin everyday on top of the regular prenatals.   and when we do the FET i will be on heparin which scares me a bit but if it helps i'm willing to do whatever it takes to get our rainbow here.

Hope everyone out there in blogland is well.

love yas ~~Al

February - Meet you at the Sunset

It's time for the February Meeting @ Meet You at the Sunset.

Some people say men and women grieve differently. Others say that we as a human race grieve differently to each other. Some people believe that we all grieve the same just at different stages of time.


If you have a partner how has this grieving process been for you both. Do you differ much in how you live with grief? Has it torn you apart or brought you closer together? Have you learned anything about your partner that you did not know beforehand? Share what you feel comfortable with. Link your post from your blog in the Mr Linky below.

Chris and I are very different in how we live with and deal with our grief.  When we were in the hospital after losing Cadynce he was the one who had to make all the calls and let everyone know what had happened and it was very hard for him, he cried a lot - more than I have ever seen him cry - even more than when his grandfather passed away.  But once we got home it was pretty much back to life as normal.  I know that he still hurts and is sad about it but he is not one to show emotion so this has been difficult for me, I've gotten mad at him a few times because it seems like I am the only one grieving.

I on the other hand was inconsolable for at least a week afterwards.  And I still cry a few times a week (sometimes more, sometimes less).  I am reserved in talking about it with others, but when it's just me, well I never know what I am going to get - Smiles, Tears or Anger.

I have internalized a lot of it by blaming myself which is why I have started seeing my therapist.  I hope that it helps me to let go of that guilt that I am holding onto like I did something or am being punished for some reason.

All in all though we have gotten closer.  He has been so supportive of me and has taken such good care of me, it's made me love him even more than I did before, and just reinforces the best decision I ever made was to say yes.  :-)

Comments

Just a couple of things. 

1 - I am horrible about replying to comments.  I read them all and am so grateful I have such wonderful women in my life!  I never know how I should -- should I e-mail or just respond with my own comment.  I hope you all know that I am appreciative that you take the time to comment on my innane ramblings.

2 - I took the captcha off to make it easier for you guys, but still required me to approve them, now I am taking anon off as well.  While I haven't gotten any trolls....I am getting a lot of spam... For Zovirax.  While I appreciate being able to get it cheap and all I dont have genital herpes..KTHXBAI!!!!!!

Just wanted to let anyone that comments as Anon know why.

Luv ya~~Al

Marvelous Mondays - 3/1/10

Rachel @ 3 Butterflies and a Monkey started Marvelous Mondays and I think it's a great idea.

My positive for today is that I survived Cadynce's due date yesterday.

I have wonderful friends who care about me and made sure to check up on us yesterday.  And I have a wonderful husband who spoils me way more than I deserve (most of the time anyways).

32ND STREET BLOG PARTY

Just because I needed a distraction.  Oh and giveaways, I love giveaways, even if I never win.




1. What's your favorite time of the day, and why?
The evening when my day is winding down and I am spending time with my hubby or our furbabies (oh and anytime I can sleep)



2. If health wasn't an issue, what food could you live off of?
Wow this is a hard one....ummm I really like food...French Fries I guess, but they have to be super salty fries.  I looove loove french fries.  Dont judge me.


3. If you could have one wish granted (besides wishing for more wishes), what would it be?
Well obviously it would be that Cadynce still be here with us,



but if that wasn't an option it would be for my brother to not be mentally ill.  He has so much potential that because of his Bi-Polar/Schizo Effective Disorder he is unable to realize and that hurts my heart for him


4. What's one thing that you get teased about a lot?
How clumsy I am.  "What was that noise, it sounded like something fell?"  "Oh it was just Allison running into the door, or corner or tripping over nothing or falling down the stairs"  Pick one any one  You would be surprised at the ways I can injure myself.  Like last month when I was at the GYN for my well-woman and my foot caught in the stirrup and I almost fell off the table - yeah that one was fun....


5. If you could choose one movie, book, or TV show to spend your life in, which would you pick? What type of character would you be?
The Wizard of Oz prolly, my favorite all time movie.....


Although I am in love with Edward from Twilight lol

6. If you could have one talent that you don't already have, what would it be?
To be able to play the piano, I always wanted piano lessons but never asked for them.

7.If money were no object, where would you go on vacation?
A tour around Europe. (Scotland, Ireland, Italy, etc....etc... etc.....)



8. If you were an awesome singer, which genre would you sing?
probably angry chick rock

9. If you could have a $10,000 shopping spree to one store, what would it be?
Oh wow. I would say Barnes & Noble, but I'm not sure even I could spend that much there.....


How about I just say the Outlet Mall by my house so that way I have LOTS of stores to spend it at


10. If you could live in any point in time, when would it be?
1900's probably.  but i would have to be rich lol


11. If every outfit in your wardrobe had to be one color, what would it be?
purple absolutely purple



12. If you were one of the seven dwarves, which one would you be?
(Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Happy, or Dopey)
Bashful cause I'm ubershy



13. What's the last album you listened to?
the new keith urban


14. What's something we'd be surprised to know about you?
That I used to want to be a pediatrician or neonatologist, but then I "fell in love" and didnt go to college like I should have.  I still wish I could though