*Sorry if this is scattered and disjointed, I have been trying to type it out for a couple of days.
I've been really cranky the last couple of weeks. I'm really not sure why. I guess it's the feeling of sitting still. Of not going anywhere. Of not being able to move forward. Of not being able to fulfill the main dream I have always had for my life. Having children.
Chris keeps telling me it will happen don't give up, if we can't have a bio child then we will definitely adopt, but I'm just frustrated. Frustrated at my body for being infertile. Frustrated at my body for sucking ass when it comes to staying pregnant. I'm trying really hard to not be but it definitely sneaks it when I am least expecting it.
I guess it has been bothering me more lately because Chris is having a really hard time all of the sudden. I think that everything just caught up with him all of the sudden. Losing Cady and the 2 miscarriages since then. He is a man after all an hasn't really dealt with his grief as well as I have, he has just mostly put it off to the side and ignored it. But it's coming back on him now by making him physically not feel well and have panic attacks. I am proud of him though after talking to me about what the hell is happening to him I told him that he should go see someone to talk about it all, and he listened. He is going to start seeing a therapist - his 1st appointment is tomorrow. I really hope it helps him. It's so hard seeing him having a hard time with it all because he has been so strong and supportive for me. He's always the strong one who can seem to handle anything and seeing him not deal with everything well -- well let's just say it hurts me to see him hurting.
I am just ready for it to be January. So 2010 hurry up and be over because you suck!
7 comments:
my husband has battled panic attacks from time to time. Talking to a counselor helped them subside, gave him some coping mechansims, and pretty much go away. Please share that with your husband (that men get them and can talk to someone).
Wish therapy didn't get such a bad rap - we don't try to fix our own cars or cut our own hair, so why not someone trained to help us through a tough time?!
lots of love and *hugs* to you.
Big hugs to you and your husband. Keeping you both in prayer.
what a man! IM proud of him and i don't even know him!
thinking of you guys often, im in almost the same boat as you, hating 2010 (which when the girls were born we were banking on being 'our year')
and just generally wishing time away. i am fighting against that last part so hard. i want to be able to enjoy things and carry on, its just. so. hard.
hugs girl,
it will be our time again soon and im glad we will have each other through the happy days too.
xoxo
lis
Infertility is so hard. I have so much hope that it will happen for you. xoxo
So sorry 2010 has been so crappy for you and for your loss. I hope the rest of the year is better for you!
Always thinking of you.
xo
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