Posting Loser

Well I know that I promised I would post a couple of weeks ago, but I was too lazy that weekend - which seems to be a recurring theme in this household these days. I know that you guys have been wondering where I have been and how everything has been. Short story everything is going really well and I think I am afraid to talk about it because I am always afraid the bottom is going to fall out again. So here is my update....

10/5/2011 - My cerclage was placed. I really don't remember much about that day as they put me under general so I was pretty out of it. My OB told Chris that my cervix was already shortened and he was too upset to think about asking about actual numbers, all he could think of course was the worst. We came home and he left me to sleep so he could run some errands since he had the day off.  I had some kind of weird reaction to the anesthesia and every muscle in my body hurt, I could barely move so that was a lot of fun and I was glad I took some time off.

I was off work for a week (took PTO), when I went back for my first day back my boss came and asked how I was and how everything went. I told her that my OB said the cervix was already shortening and she immediately said we are going to see what we can do about you working from home. She got the forms and got the approval so I am working from home 4 days a week.

I am so thankful for a boss who gets it. I think I can credit being able to work from home to the cerclage holding up so well (at least that's how I feel).

When I went on for my follow-up and next OB appointment I asked what my cervix length was on the day the cerclage was placed and it was 3.6 cm which while shorter than average is still good, so we weren't quite so worried anymore.

I got a really bad cold from someone at work (you know on the 1 day a week that I am going in), needless to say I was pretty ticked off about that. I was sick about a week or so, but I never really ran much of a fever. I still had a cough that I could just not get rid of. At about 18 weeks I was having some cramping and twinging in what felt like the cervical region so I went in to the OB. They did an ultrasound and measured my cervix which measured 3.5 cm, so that wasn't what was causing the pain, and they did a partial anatomy scan since I was there anyway just so we could be sure everything looked good with the baby.

The tech asked if I wanted to know what the sex was and I said no since Chris wasn't with me as this wasn't a scheduled appointment, but she asked again and of course I said yes lol. Saw the OB and they said that everything was just irritable from all the coughing and I was mildly dehydrated. Got some antibiotics and cough medicine and everything has been better since then.

When I left the OB I called Chris to tell him that everything looked good and that the coughing/dehydration was what was causing the irritation. I also told him I had a secret, of course he knew right away what my secret was. He said it's a (Baby's Name) and I said yes. (Sorry I don't want to announce the name until the baby is born). But I will tell you it's a BOY!!

We went back at 20 weeks (almost 21) for anatomy scan and everything looked really good and Chris really got to see the turtle and that's when it really hit him that he is going to have a son. He is just over the moon, it's so cute. Cervix was still measuring 3.5 cm so, so far so good.

I will be 25 weeks on Thursday (12/15). My OB said everything looked so good that I could wait a month to come in, my appointment is tomorrow (12/14) she didn't say anything about doing another scan to check the cervical length but I am not going to leave the office until they do, I just cannot handle not knowing everything still looks ok.

I am feeling more and more movement and kicks. The first real kick I felt made me come out of my chair and of course Chris thought it was hilarious - men!!

I am still nervous from time to time, but now that we have made it past the 2 major milestones I am better. We got past 19 w 6 days when we lost Cadynce, and now we have kit 24 weeks so each day is better.

Chris was born at 25 weeks in 1977 so that's his milestone he's waiting on. After that it's day by day. I really want to make it until 36 weeks when my cerclage will be removed, but will be grateful for every single say this little boy is cooking.

I hope that you guys are doing well. Sorry this is so long.

I will try not to be so long in between postings this time, but I am not going to promise..

Allison

Hi!

I'm still alive. Everythings going well. I will try to actually write a post this weekend.

MUAH!!! lol


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It's scheduled

My first OB appointment went well. Did all the usual stuff reviewed my meds, due date, etc etc.

And tentatively scheduled my Cerclage. This stitch that will allow me to carry this baby to term, hopefully, will be placed the first week in October either the 5th or the 6th.

Just have to kee praying we make it that far, although I definately have more hope now than I did.

Love you guys ~ Allison

Bad, Bad Blogger

First things first. Please send lots and lots of love to Dipitie who went to the RE on Friday and found out her little Monkey no longer had a heartbeat. I'm feeling this loss of a fellow IFer a lot more than usual as we were both due on the same day.  Dip I am so incredibly sorry for the loss you have experienced, it sucks large.  Hugs.

So I know it's been forever since I blogged and I am sure some of you have wondered how things have progressed since my Beta #1 of 67. Just guess I am kind of leery of saying it all will make it end as my history seems to support.

I'm still pregnant, 9 weeks 2 days today.

We went to the RE last Wednesday and I got to stop all my Meds, of course I'm nervous but I know that Dr. H wouldn't have let me stop if it wasn't ok. My first OB appointment is this coming Wednesday, 8/31. I hope to come out of this appointment with my Cerclage placement scheduled. I am happy, excited and terrified all at the same time. But hopeful, always hopeful.

beta for fet 2.1

So I POAS'ed on Monday and got a BFN, so I called RE to move up beta from Monday to Friday. I did this since Chris was leaving today to go out of town and I didn't want to have to give myself PIO shots if I did not have to.

Wednesday morning I decided to POAS again and was going to stop my meds if it was still a BFN, uh yeah BFP. I even posted the pic on twitter cause I wanted someone else to tell me they say that + sign and I wasn't imagining it. Evidently everyone else saw it as well.

So beta was today and came back at 67. That's quite a bit lower than any of my first betas have been before, but Chris did remind me I went in 4-5 days sooner that I normally do for the beta.

I'm 15dpo so that # is in the normal range, and I will go back on Monday for Beta #2.

I just really hope this is the one. THE ONE! Cause my heart hurts and is heavy. I am not sure how many more times it can be broken before I shatter all the way.

Please pray to whatever God you believe in that this is the one for us.

Much love and baby dust to all still trying, Al

bedrest is not my friend

Well we had FET 2.1 yesterday, 7/12, at 11 am. I'm on bedrest thru thursday night. well technically I'm supposed to be on bedrest for 72 hours which would put it thru Friday at 11, but I'll be going to work on Friday. I'm about to lose my ever lovin mind lol. I can only handle so much laying on my side or back staring at the tv. i haven't even really wanted to get on the computer.

I have hope, but also fear that I'm just going to get another BFP and miscarry again. it gets harder each time for me. and then there's fear that we have one that sticks around past the 1st tri and get to the cerclage point. what if that doesn't work. but I'm trying not to think about it too much. just taking it one day at a time.

I said on twitter the other day that sometimes I wonder if my pregnancy with Cady was our only chance that got fucked up by my incompetent stupid cervix. I don't feel that way a lot but it does cross my mind from time to time. i really hope that's not what's meant to be

mama loves u cady please watch out for the potential inside me right now and send us a baby brother or sister for u and get them here safely.

hope everyone is well.

al

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FET 2.1

FET us going to be 7/12. I'm starting to get a bit nervous folks


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sigh

I really shouldn't have picked today to catch up on blog reading. Reading all the Father's Day posts gave me a break down that was the worst one I have had in a while.

I should have known it was coming. This is the 2nd year is a row that I was pregnant on Mother's Day but had miscarried by Father's Day.

I am really beginning to think it's just not going to happen.

Universe you suck

Universe you suck ass.  This week has brought some of the worst news ever from my IF/BLM friends.

Please, please send love and prayers to some really wonderful people.
Lis at Built-in-BirthControl lost her twin girls 10/20/09 and is almost 22 weeks pregnant with her 2nd set of twins.  Her cervix began shortening and funneling last week and was placed on bedrest. Today she found out she's dialated with bulging membranes and will have to deliver her beautiful, precious babies too early.  Once is too many times for this to happen but it should never happen twice.  I am angry, so incredibly again and devastated for her today.

Audrey (and I cannot find the link to her blog damn it) whom I follow on twitter is @MaternalTurtle had a miscarriage about 13 weeks due to a SCH a couple of months ago was able to get pregnant again right away with a miracle went for a routine exam and found out her Little Foot no longer had a heartbeat at 15 weeks.

@TipsforTriplets who I also follow on Twitter delivered their triplet boys at 23 weeks Saturday morning after Baby A's membranes ruptured and infection started.

As I said this week has so incredibly sucked in all kinds of ways. These wonderful loving folks should not be having to go through this pain.

Wishing

I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me how many more times I will have to go through the heartbreak of losing another baby to get our happy ending. I wish I could KNOW I was even going to get a happy ending. I wish Cadynce was here on earth with her daddy and I. I wish that I will be able make my husband a father to a living child because I cannot imagine a man who will make a more perfect daddy.

I wish I wasn't still feeling guilty like everything is all my fault somehow. I wish that when I'm happy u didn't feel guilty for being happy.

I know now that while I want to be pregnant and I want to be able to give birth to a living child, I just want a child. someone to call me mama and chris daddy.

I want our happy ending. damn it don't we deserve a happy ending by now.

I wish I knew how much more heartbreak I can handle before I break.

I have started bcps. will start Lupron around the 12th. FET should be the 2nd wk in July. if this one doesn't work I think I'm going to have to take a few months off again, this just hurts too much

thanks to whomever submitted me to lfca (although I think I know). u guys are so kind and while I hate the reason we are all here I am so glad I've met u all


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another one bites the dust

trust me not making light of this but gotta laugh or I'll bawl

it's official miscarriage #3

thanks for all the love and support

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prayers please

Thursday morning I began cramping and then a few hours later began bleeding heavily.

went to the re and saw the nurse, we saw a gestational sac and a yolk sac. but the nurse wanted a doctor to look at me and there wasn't one there at that particular location so we went to another location. the doctor did another us, but he couldn't see anything but blood flow.

I hadnt passed anything as of that point so they put me on bedrest. I have been on bedrest since then. the bleeding had stopped by 8 Thursday and u am only occasionally spotting. obviously we didn't have another us on Friday. I go back in tomorrow (Tuesday) for another us and hopefully we will know what's going on. to be perfectly honest I am terrified and completely confused. we have no idea what's going on.

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IVF 2.0 Betas

Beta #1 was 489, taken Thursday 5/5

Beta #2 was 2075, taken Monday 5/9

I go in Friday the 13th :) for more bloodwork and my first ultrasound.

how many do we think there are in there people? take a guess I may have a prize for one of the ones who is right, I haven't decided yet :)


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9

so I never updated! we had 9 embies that made it to freeze, which is better than last time as we only had 6 make it.



so I have a confession
5dp5dt



10dp5dt




13dp5dt



beta is tomorrow

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try try again

chris waiting to go back for transfer






me listening to circle+bloom before transfer






meet blueberry and sprout






and I'm offically PUPO

14

We had 14 eggs fertilize, so as of right now we have 14 embabies.  Holy Crap.

Transfer will be Thursday.  Fingers crossed and lots of prayers for sticky embabies.

17

We got 17 eggs from retrieval. I think we will find out Monday how many were mature and fertilized. Monday we will also know if we will be doing s transfer, or having to freeze everything and do a FET next month.

so fingers crossed for lots of GOOD embies and a transfer.

Love u guys ~Allison


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ahh

have to be at the clinic at 730 tomorrow. eekkk


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ugh

so went to re today for bw and us. the us looked great and would either stim one more nite or trigger. the nurse called this afternoon with my instructions.

I am to trigger at 9:15 tonight, but my progesterone went up from yesterday, and I guess that could be a bad thing. I have to take ganilrex tonight and tomorrow. retrieval will be Saturday morning. but since the progesterone went up we might have to freeze all instead of doing a transfer at day 5.

I know it's to be sure all hormone levels are at optimum for implantation and supporting a pregnancy but god it really seems like it's one thing after another and I can never catch a break in all this.

we won't know til Monday if it will be transfer or freeze all

either way pray for healthy embryos please. I'm not sure how well I'd handle it if we don't at least get a few good ones.

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Deep Breaths

I go tomorrow at 8:30 AM to have my baseline U/S and B/W.  If everything comes back good I will start stims tomorrow night.

I am excited, hopeful and terrified all at the same time.  I have a good feeling about all this, but after losing Cadynce I am terrified of history repeating itself.  I know it's normal to feel that way, I know that each and everyone of you have felt this way as well.

I am listening to my Circle+Bloom every night and it's helping me sleep well, which is has been a HUGE problem the last 18 months (God I cannot believe it's been 18 months since we lost our daughter, our first born).

So just asking for good vibes that everything looks good tomorrow so we can get started on IVF 2.0 folks!

3

3 more days of bcp's its getting a little more real

Happy Sad

why is it when I have a string of good days it inevitably turns into guilt for having those good days. Stupid unruly emotions.

The last couple of weeks have been really good, I think it's because i really have hope again. But something made me think of cady and I felt guilty. I mean it's not like i forgot - cause that'll happen when hell freezes over and I know it's normal to feel like that but really :(

Anyway had to get that out of my head. The guilt feeling is pretty much gone but I was obsessing about it. Cause evidently that's what I go now

Oh and pardon any typos typed this on my iPhone

Lotsa love and good nite

Oh and I'm sad guess it's been so long since I posted no ones commented

:)

Hi there Stangers

Wow it's been almost a month since I posted anything.  I'm a slacker whore - well just a slacker lol.

How are y'all doing?  I hope the answer is well.

I am doing really good right now.  Life is good.  School is good.  Friends are good.  Family are good.  It's nice to be able to say that about everything.

Our friends have all 3 of their triplets home and I am so excited for them.  And they are so incredibly cute.  Hi AB&C  :-). Oh and their mommy too lol.

I've started BCPs for suppression in preparation for IVF 2.0.  My drugs should be here on Thursday.

We are planning on starting stims on 4/4, as long as the u/s and b/w are all good.  So fingers crossed.

Does anyone have any news to share that I haven't already heard?

bfps and roses all around!

February Blog Hop

Fenchesca has come up with a great idea for a Small Miracles Blog Hop.  What things have brought me hope.

If you would hae asked me this a couple of month ago I would have said nothing.  I was extremely hopeless.

Now there are a couple of things.

Two of my dear blog friends have just gotten BFP's and are entering a exciting but terrifying time of pregnancy after loss, this gives me hope that I will be there soon.

Our good friends had their triplets in December at 29 weeks and the last one came home last week, this gives me hope that good things do happen from time to time.

Lastly, we will be doing IVF again soon (probably in early April) and we have a lot of people rooting for us and praying for a better outcome for us this time. And while this terrifies me it also gives me hope that we really will get our BFP and get to bring home a baby this time.  & not in an urn with only our short time and way too few memories of our beautiful daughter.

(If you know me IRL please dont say anything about the IVF, we are not planning on telling anyone if it works until 24 weeks)

Um so I'm kind of...

freaking out lol.

We were putting off IVF 2.0 until June because of my new job, but decided to move it up to April.  Like late April.  Well I remove my Nuva.Ring tomorrow, which means that my march cycle - you know the cycle where you go in to CD3 B/W and U/S and start your suppression for 2-3 weeks then have another cycle then start stims yeah that would be expected prolly early march which would mean that IVF 2.0 may be happening as early as late march, EARLY APRIL.  I'm freaking out.  I really dont know why lol

And yes I am using the Nuva.Ring and have been for almost a year - like why use BC hello infertile - it's really just for cycle regulation cause I am so irregular I have been known to go 6 months with no AF.  Thanks PCOS you suck ass.

So anyway, I may not be posting a lot during ivf just cause with our fet's that we got bfp's then miscarried it was hard to deal with and while I am anon her, just on the off chance someone I know finds me (except those that already know!!)

Love you guys.

Please send love and prayers

Please stop over and send much love to Wiseguy.

Her much hoped for and loved daughter was born on January 14th, she suffered a cardiac arrest and has since passed away.

so behind

I'm so behind on telling everyone thank you for creating name rememberances for Cadynce and I haven't posted the pics from our ballon release from her 1st angelversary.  I will get around to it soon!

Plus I need to take a picture of the necklace I won during the 25days of giveaways!!!!!!

Love you all - hope you all are having a wonderful 2011 so far!

Please send love and prayers

Please go to Maybe if you Just Relax and send lots of prayers and love.  Jen delivered her twins on the 30th and shortly afterwards Evelyn passed away.  Ainsley is at the Chidlrens Hopsital and doing well.

We all know too well what she is going through so any support is a good thing in this difficult time for her and her family.

Happy 2011

Happy new year.  I am choosing to have hope for 2011.

I hope that you all have a good year and get what we have all been praying for.