I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me how many more times I will have to go through the heartbreak of losing another baby to get our happy ending. I wish I could KNOW I was even going to get a happy ending. I wish Cadynce was here on earth with her daddy and I. I wish that I will be able make my husband a father to a living child because I cannot imagine a man who will make a more perfect daddy.
I wish I wasn't still feeling guilty like everything is all my fault somehow. I wish that when I'm happy u didn't feel guilty for being happy.
I know now that while I want to be pregnant and I want to be able to give birth to a living child, I just want a child. someone to call me mama and chris daddy.
I want our happy ending. damn it don't we deserve a happy ending by now.
I wish I knew how much more heartbreak I can handle before I break.
I have started bcps. will start Lupron around the 12th. FET should be the 2nd wk in July. if this one doesn't work I think I'm going to have to take a few months off again, this just hurts too much
thanks to whomever submitted me to lfca (although I think I know). u guys are so kind and while I hate the reason we are all here I am so glad I've met u all
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6 comments:
Everyone can tell you endlessly it's not your fault ... And it's not. But when it happens inside your body it doesn't make it hurt less. A priest once told me of his close friend from childhood who was experiencing a miscarriage at the same time my 3rd one occurred. He said "Is it her fault? Do you blame her?" Of course not! Then he said "Treat yourself with the same kindess you would extend to someone in your shoes." Whoa. That stuck with me.
I can't tell you how or when. But if the desire to parent is there, options and opportunities abound. Sometimes the dream has to be reframed...but it's not any less fulfiling.
Wuv ya.
I get what you mean about the crystal ball. I've thought similar things before. I don't want to have another miscarriage, but if I knew, "ok, two more times, and then I get to carry full term." Well, then I could handle it. You'd be able to think, ok I just have to get through this and then I get to have a baby to hold. It's part of the journey. It will will be worth it.
Instead, we just hope and wait and hope and wait, and grieve, and hope and wait. Seriously hoping your journey will have it's happy ending.
I'm sorry for all that you're feeling. Our losses have to do with our bodies more than the husbands' and I can see how we as women have more guilt to work through even if it is false, irrational, etc.
Hugs!!!
oh ali i wish the same things for you ALL the time!!! i wish cadynce were here for you to hug & kiss (& dress in the most adorable *ahem* UT outfits). i know you want nothing more than to be a mommy & make chris a daddy & i pray that you will experience that miracle soon! you are an amazing person & it hurts me so much to know that you have to go through all this pain - i can only pray that you will be rewarded ten fold for all the $h!t you've had to go through these past few years!!! XOXO nat & ABC XOXO
praying (like i always have) that this FET will be "the one" (or two)! you are so amazing & strong & such an inspiration to so many women!!
I, too, wish that we could have a crystal ball to see what is going to happen. I have watched with an aching heart as so many wonderful people in this online community have suffered heartache and I wish that I could tell them "Just hang in there X more months and you will have your miracle in your arms." It would make life much easier.
I am thinking of you. (I also read your subsequent post and I am thinking of the wonderful ladies you mentioned there as well. I am sending them good thoughts.)
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