C is out of town, he left this morning to go to the NASCAR races with his dad in Ft. Worth. This will be the first weekend that I am completely alone since we lost Cady. I am a little nervous about, but think that I be ok. I know that he will call me 500 times because he made it very obvious he was worried about leaving me alone all weekend, but what can you do life must go on and this is an semi-annual tradition for him to go to the races with his dad. He hasn't seen his parents since she was taken from us and I think that this will be very important to his grieving and healing, as he seems quite strong but I am not really sure he has dealt with the loss fully.
I also realized last night that when I was in the hospital after we got the news we were going to lose her in the back of my mind all I could think was "I'm not surprised, we couldn't get pregnant for 5 years, and this pregnancy has been entirely too easy, so why am I not surprised something so terrible is going to happen". Of course then I feel guilty like me thinking that made it happen cause I felt the whole time I was pregnant "This is too surreal, it's gotta be a dream things are going to smoothly"
Gotta get over that and the fact that I wonder if something I have done in my life is responsible for allowing us to lose our daughter. After all Karma is a BITCH, but I know that there is nothing, short of murdering someone that I could have done that would make my Karma that bad. So I have to move past that as well.
3 comments:
Ali, you did nothing wrong. Life is incredibly cruel sometimes allowing drug addicted, abusive women to get pregnant continually while good, caring couples struggle with infertility. I would hope that when you get pregnant again, your doctor will give you a cerclage and put you on bedrest so that you don't have to go through the pain of losing another beautiful child. You are absolutely correct in stating that you've never done anything that would make your Karma so bad that it would justify taking Cadynce's life. A good friend of mine who has a very strong faith told me once that God would never take the life of a child to punish the mother for things she has done wrong in her life. God doesn't work that way and that He weeps with us for the loss of our babies. I keep trying to hang onto that because I have often felt that I did something that justified my son dying. It just isn't so. Please believe that you are worthy of having a child to love and raise and that it will happen for you and that Cadynce will forever be your angel in heaven watching over you. Sending you hugs
Ali, my faith has grown stronger since I lost Jonathan. I have read a book that talks about loss and faith and I can assure you of this. God would never take away your baby to punish you. Your baby served a greater purpose. One that may not be realized now, but hopefully at some point that purpose will become known. *hugs*
Oh, my gosh, I know what you're talking about. The infertility just leaves you with this feeling of impending doom about everything - while it was shocking to lose our babies, there was a little bit of premonition. Thinking of you, and so many hugs.
Post a Comment