Thanksgiving was, hmm ok and horrible all at the same time. I went to Memaw's on thursday and got to see my uncle and his 4 daughters (whom I havent seen in years because I never go there on actual thanksgiving day anymore) so that was ok. Then went back to C's parents house (thats where he spent the day) and my SIL and her kiddos were still there, which I wanted to see them, but at the same time I was afraid to see them.
I was playing with my niece and she came and sat in my lap and we had the following coversation:
G: "Do you have a baby?" "Do you have a baby in your belly?"
Me: "No I don't have a baby in my belly, but I have a baby in heaven."
G: "Why's the baby in heaven?"
Me: "Because she was born too soon."
G: With a really sad look on her face "It was a girl?"
Me: "Yes"
G: "Why was she born too soon?"
Me: "I don't know, I ask myself that almost every day."
G: "Are you going to have more babies?"
Me: "Yes someday"
G: "Are you going to have a boy or girl?"
Me: "I don't know, I would take either one."
G: "I hope it's a girl, but you know you don't always get what you want"
Me: "So you would want a girl cousin?"
G: "Yes"
And well how do you react to that, a 6 year old who was told she was going to have a cousin then that she wasnt she just wants to understand and it broke my heart even more than it is already broken. It was all I could do not to cry right then and there.
Saturday was thanksgiving with my mammy. before we said the blessing pappy decided that we should all go around and say 2 things that we were thankful for. REALLY, REALLY of all the years before you have never done this, never, why would you pick this year to make us do this. i am not thankful, well I am for some things, but not enough to talk about it. when they got to me all i could do was shake my head and cry, and mammy ran over and put her arms around me, then C came and stood by me and put his arm around me. his 2 things that he was thankful for were his beautiful wife (how can i not love that) and our supportive families.
pappy apologized to me afterwards, but that didnt make me feel any better. of course i put on a happy face the rest of the day, but all i wanted to do was go into our room and cry.
i am dreading christmas, and it is usually one of my favorite times of year.
10 comments:
Oh, I'm so sorry you had to deal with those situations. I was so glad we skipped the "what are you thankful for?" part of Thanksgiving dinner this year. I just can't do it - but I have reacted the same way you have in the past. Hang in there.
I hope that your next days and weeks are gentle and healing, hon. Thinking of you.
Thanks guys. I know that my niece doesnt know any better and is just curious but I think that made it harder :-(, but I'm okay and I know that it'll get better (at least I keep telling myself that)
Oh honey, I am sorry you had a rough time. It is hard to be thankful when the one thing we want the most is missing. I am glad your family is so supportive though. Christmas is going to be a bummer for me too. Thinking of you.
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. Go figure, of all years...
((hugs))
Oh that's just too sad. Ali I'm sorry. I remember how our first holiday (Christmas) came just 39 days after Calvin's death. It was so hollow and empty. Having to plaster a smile on your face for the sake of others is difficult enough. God bless your niece. Children are so innocent, they have no idea they are hurting us with their questions and comments. She probably still doesn't understand. Wish I could just send you a big ole hug....
I found your blog through anothers and just wanted to say my heart is with you. I lost my niece on June 28, 2009 at a little under 21 weeks and I miss her everyday! I wish I could say the pain goes away...but I'm still waiting for that. I know your a grieving mom and I'm only an Aunt...I can only imagine how much more your heart is breaking. Anyways, I'm rambling. Just wanted so say sorry for your loss.
*huge hugs* I am so sorry that this happened this year of all years. I can imagine how hurt you must of felt.
prayers coming your way for peace during this holiday season. I am sure I can speak for most of us dbm's when I say there will be some emptiness at all of our gatherings this year. *hugs*
thanks for your sweet comments, having you guys to vent to helps
:-)
One thing I have found is that while they are almost always the first and foremost things on our minds, our babies are not right there in the minds of others. And sometimes the folks that love us the most are so caught up in making things "normal" and "right" for us, that things like the giving thanks situation happens.
Sigh.
I'm so sorry.
Cadynce is a beautiful name. One I've never heard before.
Holidays are going to be tough. One thing I need to remind myself is that no matter what the gaffes and mis-steps are, for the most part, the people around us love us and are struggling just as hard trying to help us get through them. It sounds to me like you may have a similar scenario.
Abiding by you.
Post a Comment