Today, Thursday 1/26/2012, I am 31 weeks pregnant with our little boy - our rainbow. The closer we get to him actually being here - well it's hard to explain I guess. I feel so incredibly blessed, but at the same time I am a complete basket case.
I am a basket case because there are a lot of thoughts of I should have a 2 years old. There are all these things that Cadynce will never get to do on her own, with us, with her baby brother (who, if the way that I tormented my baby brother would have been in for it). I was watching 'Say Yes to the Dress' the other day (working from home can be boring sometimes) and watching the girls with their moms getting emotional when the dress is picked out - well let's just say I completely and totally lost it because all I could think is I will never get to do that with my daughter. There are so many things we wanted to do, places we wanted to take her, experiences we will never get to share. While I have known these things for the whole 2+ years since we lost her....I guess it's hitting home in a significant kind of way since The Boy will be here soon and we will get to have those experiences with him.
I am beginning to understand how hard it is loving my baby girl in Heaven and my rainbow here on Earth. It's a very confusing and wonderful feeling at the same time. There were many times over the last 2 years that I doubted we would get to this point, and while he's not here yet it won't be long. My heart is beginning to overflow with the want, the need, the grief and the happiness. I really don't even know how to begin to describe it, but I know those of you reading know, you get it. I can say these things to you. Things that my family (no matter how much they love me) just can't understand, they don't get it and they never will. Thank you for letting me get it out there, even if it is rambly and disjointed.
**Deep Breath**
I am truly, truly blessed and thankful to have made it to 31 weeks without having to be on complete bedrest. While I have had my doubts about God over the last couple of years, this is just one instance where I know he is watching out for us. We will go in next week for an ultrasound to check on The Boy to be sure he is growing well and I can't wait to see him again and see how big he may be. It's getting exciting and real, more real than I ever imagined. So far so good, other than me having the crap Gestational Diabetes things have been relatively easy on us, so again - blessed.
Huh, well this is not where I was planning on going with this post when I started it.....but sometimes I never know what's going to come out when I start.
It's late, I am tired, and not even sure this post really makes much sense (lol) but I wanted to say hi and let y'all know it's going well still!!
XOXO ~ Allison
10 comments:
Don't be surprised how you feel when he gets here. I was shocked how much I grieved the boys once my daughter was born. Be prepared.
I think there may never be a time where the "basket case" sensation goes completely away. But I think recognizing it helps a lot.
Good, happy thoughts your way!
I get it. I see my girls and I miss what they could have w/ their sister. I'm so glad things are going well
Bless your soul, I lost one at 9 weeks and we had test for genitic issues. That would have been my son. I look forward to being a mom . I wonder how I will feel if its a girl and not a boy. My hubby was so bent over loosing a son.
I too grieved a lot once I had my rainbow here in my arms. Cradling this warm little miracle once again made painfully real what I had lost and, I worried constantly about losing him as well. But on the other hand, there was so much joy, hope and, love in the experience that it made me feel like I could conquer anything just as long as his little hand held on to my finger that way. I'm glad everything is going well. It's not that long now, til you get to hold you're little rainbow for the first time.:) I'm looking forward to reading about his arrival.:)
I haven't read blogs in ages so I am just hearing about this now!! This is fabulous news!! Thinking of you. *hugs*
i definitely having similar feelings of confusion about this pregnancy and my heaven babies.
so glad to hear that things continue to go well for you and your latest addition.
i lost a girl and a yr later i had my son and he is nearly 3 now but all his friends are girls, i find it so hard to see them picking dresses and knowing that they are getting to do things that i would never get to do with angel... i love my son so much and i was a bit sad when i found out he was a boy but now i am happy i had a boy after angel .. i am so happy its going well for u :) xxx
I love love love the title of your blog! You ARE a mom! Praying that you would find peace in your process!
Cathie
www.walkinginhisplan.blogspot.com
31 weeks!!! I LOVE!!!!! Please email me if you need to talk about PPD. I was on the lookout for it...and, well, it was there and I didn't know it.
Allison DOT L DOT Dyer AT gmail DOT com
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