I always think of great and profound things to say during the day and think -- I need to write a post about this or that (ok maybe not that profound but you know what I mean).
Today is 2 months (8 wks & 5 days) since she was taken away from me too soon. I didn't even realize today was the 10th until I got to the office and there was a sign on the front door reminding about the fire drill they were having today. And I thought oh my, its the 10th, and my heart stopped.
I stood there for just a minue (might have stood there longer if it hadn't been so freaking cold) so I stood there and thought "Cady mommy misses you and loves you so much, I wish you were still inside me where you should be all snuggled up safe and warm instead of in the tiny, way too tiny, heart shaped urn sitting in the shelf in my bedroom with the stuffed tiger and doggy that we bought for you. I wish that you would have had the chance to see snow, like we got last week, feel the cold wind in the winter, feel the hot breeze or even suffocate in the humidity that befalls us here in Houston in the summer time. I wish I would have gotten to see what color your hair would have been and if it would have been curly. I Wish that I would have been able to see what color your eyes would have been and that you would have been able to look at me just once and grabbed for my finger even if for just a moment.
I wish that you would have had a chance to live outside of my faulty womb for just a moment. KNOW that you are loved and missed and wanted still even now.
It seems like all I ever do is wish or want, but I guess thats normal.
We love you and are honoring your memory in all the ways I know how. I will take pictures of things we have gotten for you and to remind us of you eventually, just have to make myself do it. But I will because I want the world to know you were here even if it was fleeting.
Then the minute was up and I continued in to the building to go to work, my heart a little heavier. To the office where I was too busy the rest of the day to think about much of anything but work, so I guess someone was looking out for me and allowing me to keep my mind busy for a few hours. Now I am home and your ornament came in the mail, it's so pretty. Just like you. It is right up front on the tree so everytime I look at it I think of you.
7 comments:
Yes, wishing and wanting and daydreaming about what should have been is very normal. Here I am at four months in and Im still doing it. Cadyence knows that you love and miss her. And Im sorry that you didnt get to do all the things that you wanted to with her. *HUGS*
Remembering your sweet girl with you...
Thinking of you and Cady during this time. *hugs* Your sweet Cady is watching down on you.
I hope that today is a day of being close to Cady, and is filled with love.
Thinking of Cady and holding you in my heart.
I think I forgot her 3 month anniversary until later in the day. At first, I counted days since she died, then weeks, now months. I hate getting further away from the only day I had with her. And, of course I feel guilty for not always remembering these milestones.. But, perhaps, 9 months later, I'm working my way towards my new normal. Hang in there!
I'm way late as I'm quite behind in reading blogs but I'm thinking of you and Cady.
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