I'm not sure who I am anymore (some of the time anyway).
I mean I know the obvious -- I am Allison (daughter of Cindy & Wesley, gdaughter of Scottie & Margaret and Tom & Shirley, wife of 6 years to Chris, child of God)
I guess I question what category I fall into now for other things. I don't even really know how to explain how I feel. Geezzzzz...
I guess it has to do with labels. What is my label now? When you lose a parent you are an orphan. When you lose a spouse you are a widow(er). When you lose a child what are you? I know I am a parent, I AM A MOTHER, but my child is not here for me to hold, to comfort, to love. So what am I, who am I?
Is this what they call having an Identity Crisis or is it a Crisis of Faith? I don't like feeling so unsure and abandoned. Which goes back to childhood and feeling abandoned by my parents since they weren't responsible enough to raise me and my grandparents had to fill in the gaps. As an adult I am extremely grateful and appreciative for what my grandparents did, but I still remember as a child fearing I would be left alone or forgotten - abandoned. I have felt at times in my life that I am not good enough and that's why no one wants me or loves me enough to stay and everyone leaves. While in my head I KNOW that isn't the case, the thought does sneak into the back of my mind from time to time. And now it almost seems like I wasn't good enough to be a mother to my daughter. Almost as if someone/thing said who is she to think she deserves this being happy.
But DAMN IT i deserve to be happy, my life has been one bad thing after another happening to me it seems like (I won't go into details, but needless to say I think I have had enough bad to last 1 person a lifetime). So when is my happy going to be here to stay?
Blah - I know none of that is true. Just having a somewhat of a blah, icky, crappy day. I will be better tomorrow (at least I hope that I will).
12 comments:
*huge hugs* I think on some level we have all wondered....did I really deserve to be that happy? Is that why my child was taken away? I think its something we wonder early on, but DAMNIT we do deserve to be that happy. We do deserve to hold a baby in our arms. We deserve to love a child.
As time passes those blah days appear less...thats the good news. *more hugs*
Jessica,
You are right and I know you are - just have to keep telling myself that!
~~hugs back atcha~~
I often have wondered who I am also. I finally came to realize that I am Chase and Emma's mom. I always will be and no one can take that from me. You will always be Cadynce's mom even if it is from afar. We all deserve to be happy! ((HUGS))
My heart broke reading your blog...I have a lot of the same feelings, in a different way. A lot of men in my life have died and I almost felt like Elliot died just because he was an important male in my life. Although in my head I know it's not true...my heart has a hard time wrapping around that!
Hugs to you...it does get a little better as time passes....
Brandy
Ali, I know exactly how you feel. Sadly, I am known as the "girl who lost her babies and Dead Baby Mama". What name is there for us, Praying that our time will come when we will only be seen as that which we covet the most: MOTHER. To us we are already mothers, but sadly others do not acknowledge us as that. Hugs to you honey.
Hon, Cadynce may not be physically here but that doesnt make you less her mom. You are an orphaned parent, but a parent nonetheless.
I know it's mostly just echoing everyone else's thoughts, but you are a wonderful mother. I truly believe that Cadynce feels your love for her every moment.
Hugs.
thanks for your supportive comments everyone - you are great
You DO deserve to be happy.
I wanted to let you know that tomorrow I am changing the URL of my blog. I will be changing it to ourbrokenhearts.blogspot.com
I'm changing it because certain paople read my blog that I don't think should be reading it, because of the content. Just thought you might still want to follow!
thanks for all of your supportive comments, i know that we have never met IRL but you guys are more supportive than some of my loved ones.
I'm so sorry you lost your sweet girl, Cadynce Alice. What a beautiful name you chose for her.
You'll always be her mom. Cadynce will always be your daughter. Nothing in the world can change that.
I think that many of us who lose a child wonder if we did something to deserve it, that we were somehow not good enough for them. But I don't think life works that way. As you say 'we know none of that is true.' And it isn't. It wasn't anything you did, you were good enough and you do deserve happiness.
I hope that some will come your way soon, you will be in my thoughts on the 23rd. xx
We do deserve to be happy. I too lost twins on 11/10/09 to IC. I have also had a rough life and feel I too deserve better. Hugs during the rough days.
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