I am sooo not in the mood to decorate for Christmas, this Christmas should have been one of the best ones ever (until next Christmas when Cadynce would have been here) I should have been 7 months pregnant. Trying not to dwell on that fact too much but ARRGGHHHH (hmm no I am not a pirate :-p)
Christmas is usually my favorite time of year, but I dont want to celebrate or decorate or go home, but I have decided I am going to make myself.
Yesterday C said something about putting the outside decorations up, and I was like umm I wasn't going to do anything. But the more I think about it the more I think we are just going to go ahead and put everything up - Lights, Santas, Tree and all. I said to him last nite that I think that I need to just be as normal as possible, I don't mean that I won't be angry that it's not the happy christmas we should be having, but that I am trying not to let my grief control me and take over my life.
I am moving forward (I will never get over nor move completely on from this), but if I don't keep moving forward piece by piece, little bit by little bit I will break and I dont want to break. I will remember you Cadynce, you will be with me in my mind and in my heart during this Christmas season.
Mommy loves you and knows that you wouldn't want me to be sad so I am trying.
At least for today I am glued together with a smile. Tomorrow this may change.
11 comments:
If you need to take a break from this year's holiday festivities, then do it. You need to take care of yourself right now.
(((Hugs)))
I agree - take things at whatever speed you need to this year! Take care of yourself. Thinking of you all.
Be gentle with yourself Ali. The first Christmas is the most empty, lonely holiday. Don't push yourself to participate in the holiday spirit if you're not up to it. You are grieving and have every right to not be "into" Christmas this year. Sending you hugs mama....
I think that there was something to the Victorian-era idea of having mourning periods. It is hard to imagine feeling festive and celebrating while you are still mourning the loss of your daughter, and it's unfortunate that in our society life just has to go on as normal, though you are feeling anything but.
That said, I am glad that you are feeling OK right now. Go easy on yourself.
I was against having a tree this year however we went ahead and put one up anyways. I now love looking and my angels ornaments on the tree.
Do what you feel comfortable with. xo
All the first are beyond hard. I'm glad you are able to put a smile on your face today. Even if tomorrow is a hard day, just remember that you did smile today. You did try and move forward today. One day at a time. *hugs*
Thanks everyone. I think I have decided to put up our tree and decorate because it made me smile and feel a little happiness to think about it, but we definately wont be making the holiday part rounds this year.
:-)
This is my first Christmas too without B and Im not planning on putting up a tree either, you are so strong to do it anyway. I bet you will be glad that you did though. *HUGS*
I know that seeing our tree in the living room lit up at night is such a wonderful sight so I think it's good that you want to decorate.
Decorating the Christmas tree last year was so hard. After losing Nick and Sophie in Feb, then losing Alex in late November... It was horrible... But at the same time, it was their first Christmas, so I felt that I had to make the effort. The result was that it was so hard to take the decorations down. We ended up leaving them well into February.
Take it easy hon...if you need to take a break from the holidays, do it. Don't over due it. I took the year off last year and didn't decorate or really celebrate except to go to church.
thinking of you...
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