Today

Today was better than yesterday, so that's one blessing that God gave me today.

One thing I haven't mentenioned yet is that my boss is expecting a baby girl and is 5 weeks ahead of where I should have been. It is difficult to see her cute precious baby bump each day, but I am not angry about it like I thought I would. She cares about me and is worried about how her being pregnant and having the baby is going to affect me in January. She even told me that she feels guilty her pregnancy is going well (it is her 4th child) while my first (the one that we have been trying so hard for, for over 5 years) ended so tragically.

I told her that she has nothing to feel guilty about it's not her fault my body failed Cadynce. I am trying not to feel that way and most of the time I don't but the thought does sneak in from time to time.

Rambling I know, but I have to get it out and can't concentrate enough to make much sense these days.

The point of telling you about my boss is today in a meeting we were talking about Halloween becuase we are having brunch at work that day and we can dress up if we want, and someone suggested she dress up like a nun (you know pregnant nun and all) and she said she saw a costume for an oven (Bun in the Oven) and thought about getting that. I didnt say anything at all, just tried to accept I know they arent thinking. Later in the day she sent me an e-mail apologizing profusely about how insensitive she was and that she felt horrible. I told her thanks for apologizing but you cant quit living your life and talking about your baby girl you are excited about meeting just because of me.

Get this, she told me, and I quote "You are so strong and are handling this with so much grace and I am proud of you for that" She confided in me that she has had 3 miscarriages (once between each of her children). What she doesnt know is I fall apart when I am not at work, although it seems to be getting a bit better. And she doesnt know that this life has not been easy and all sunshine and roses for me (which I may at a later date get into), but it has been hard and I have had to fight to be strong I learned at a very young age to accept those things that you cannot change and move on in whatever way you can.

Again I am sorry for the rambling